An absence that can be explained in one word

Exams.

Only one more this Wednesday, however, and I will be done my first semester of University! It's been a whirlwind of emotions, studying, and amazingly fun times. I wouldn't trade this school for anything. People told me I'd stray from my faith if I didn't go to a Christian University - but last I checked, I've been growing so much here. I get to be in the city and be God's hands and feet to the people that need it so badly. There is a great community of believers here who encourage me and pray with me :)

Here's some photos of the winter wonderland back at home:

What's stopping me?

(click photo to go to the Hands At Work webpage)

Malawi.

Population of 14 million.

1.1 million orphans.

12% of adults affected with HIV/AIDS.

Life expectancy: 48.

I've been asking myself lately...what is stopping me from going there - right now, right this very second? I have enough money to buy a plane ticket. I have somewhere to go, an organization to volunteer with. What if I just got up and left, didn't say goodbye to anybody, and just went to serve there for the rest of my life?

I'm being serious here.

Satisfaction

I'm reading through Hosea right now and it's really convicting me to change some things - okay, a lot of things. But I'm taking it one step at a time, starting with addressing the issue of chasing after other lovers - lovers that aren't God. This is a central issue in the book of Hosea, which is about Israel straying from God and being unfaithful to Him. Israel goes after her lovers yet completely abandons God. When I think about this illustration, I am struck by how similar I am to Israel...and just how badly I need to stop chasing.

It's not that I abandon God and seek a life far from Him...but at times, I forget He's the most important in my life. I am prone to looking for acceptance and satisfaction in the people that surround me - earthly lovers - instead of in my Heavenly Lover. This becomes a problem when people let me down or don't respond the way I want them to. And it's an even greater problem because I put other things above God.

Hosea has been a great reminder of just how loving God is. Despite Israel's sin, He woos her back and promises her a satisfied life - away from the lovers she chases but is never happy with. God knows that we will only be filled by Him, and He extends that love to us freely and without abandon.

"I will betroth you to me forever, I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord."

- Hosea 2:19-20

This is where I want to be in 4 years...

ps. this is my 100th post! God is so good :)

Something to Think About This Christmas

Thankful for Health

It's easy for us to take our health for granted - I know that I'm guilty of it! Reading my Geography textbook, however, opened up my eyes to how utterly grateful I should be for the health I have. Here are some statistics that broke my heart:
- over 25 million people in Africa are infected with AIDS. In Botswana and Swaziland, 40 percent of adults have the disease. There is no vaccine available and drug treatments that slow the disease are expensive - 15,000 a year per person. - tuberculosis, a disease of poverty, affects 40 million people a year - there is still no fully effective vaccine- malaria is the main cause of death in the developing world with 90 percent of infections taking place in sub-Saharan Africa. 300 and 500 million people a year are infected by the disease. Over half of the people that die (around 3 million per year) are children.
So, on this beautiful November day while I'm sitting in my warm, comfortable room, I cannot forget that there are people out there who do not have the blessings that I do. Today, on November 11th, I also remember the soldiers who have fought for freedom and for a better life. I am thankful for my good health and for a beautiful country. :)

A video I made for my Mom's birthday :)

Idleness

If you've been following my blog for a while, you may have noticed that I'm extremely passionate about what I believe. I have a huge heart for the poor and the needy and want nothing more than to help them in any way I can. I live by Isaiah 58. My dream is to be surrounded by laughing, smiling, loving people in the heart of Africa. I want to eradicate world poverty. See the church rise up and be the hands and feet of Jesus in a broken world.

All these desires and feelings and passions buzz around in my mind constantly. Every day that passes I reminisce on the people and church of Cuba and think about how desperately I want to go back. But sometimes, on nights like this, I am overwhelmed by my passion. My heart is so burdened by all of it that I feel like I'm going to collapse under the weight. As I sit here and stare at my MacBook Pro, I feel an urge to simply get up, leave everything behind, and fly back to Cuba.

I probably sound insane to you. But you know what sounds insane to me? Sitting here in idleness when there are people in the world that need you, need us, need God's people.

Thankful Thursday :)

There are so many things I'm thankful for today, so I decided that instead of focusing on one topic, I'd make a little list of things that I want to thank God for.

- Friends. :) There are times when I think I can handle life without them, but I really can't. They are my support system, always looking out for me (whether giving me advice at one in the morning, or making sure that I have a bandaid). So many people out there care for me, and it overwhelms me sometimes at the amount of love I receive. All you kind people who read my blog, post nice comments, and even follow me...your words are soothing to my soul and I thank you for taking time to encourage me.

- School. Although terribly difficult and stressful at times, I am really thankful that I have the opportunity to go to this amazing University, which is in the top 20 in the world! So many people don't have the opportunity to get an education, but I am one of the lucky few who has that privilege.

- Laughter.

- Chocolate. (I just had to put this one here!)

- Kaye and Valli. A recent addition to my life, but a very welcome one! :) Two sweet, precious girls who I tutor at the city mission every Monday. Every minute that I spend time with them I feel like I'm in the presence of angels.

- Autumn. Easily my favourite season. :)

Thankful for Books

I am a book worm. Since the age of four, when I taught myself to read English (Polish was my native tongue prior to that), I have been absorbed by books. I constantly read - at school, in my room, and to my mother's dismay, at the table during dinner. I loved the way the words would weave together a story and how my mind would envision handsome princes, majestic castles, and magical unicorns. Reading was an escape for me into another world - one that I liked better.
It's been 11 years since I first started reading, and not much has changed (except for the believing in unicorns part...). Books still have the ability to bewitch me and pull me into another world. Although my genre has changed (less fairytales, more non-fiction), reading is still a major part of who I am.
I love the way God uses books to teach me something new about Him and His world. With each book that I read I feel that God is revealing Himself more and more to me. He does this through non fiction books, novels, and especially His word, the Bible. Every time I crack it open, I feel like God's telling me something new.
Yesterday, they converted our dining hall into a study space. Since I had studied the whole day for my Geography midterm, I decided to take my Bible and journal with me instead. It was kind of cool. :) I read through all of Lamentations, and here's some verses that stuck out to me. Maybe they could be a blessing to you too this morning. :)
"I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: Do not close your ears to my cry for relief. You came near when I called you, and you said, Do not fear."- Lamentations 3:55-56

A Stirring in My Heart

I want to teach overseas. In Africa or South America or Asia...anywhere, really. Just not here. Not this consumerist nation with an equally consumerist church (most of them, anyway). I know there are good churches out there, but I lose faith when I hear how some of them are spending $400,000 on stained glass windows.

Today at tutoring, Kaye was so excited because of her new princess pencils and pencil case that matched. Here I am, sitting on a MacBook Pro in a luxurious library filled with books...and a block away, there's a girl who's getting excited over a pencil.

When I think about these two images juxtaposed with each other...I feel nauseous. And then I think...Am I doing enough?

Jesus, You've given me this heart for Your people. Help me to follow You and trust You wherever You lead me. My heart is stirring to serve You in foreign places...in places that need your love so desperately. I praise You for Your goodness, Lord, for giving me all these opportunities. You are amazing. :)

The Beauty of Autumn

Autumn is my favourite. I love the colours of the leaves, the quiet in the air, and the delicate breezes. I thought that moving to the city would mean I wouldn't get to experience the full breadth and beauty of the season, but I am delighted that is not so. The campus is stunning at this time of the year, and provides a perfect backdrop to the horrors of midterms, tests, and essays.

University Update :)

Midterms are coming up, there's lots of tests, assignments, essays, and not to mention, a lot of reading. But I'm quite proud of myself for keeping up with everything and not being behind (yet!).

I'm still battling with complacency here. There are times when I feel like I'm doing so much and then there are times when I feel useless. I want to work for the Lord with all of my heart but it's so hard to focus on just that. There are all these distractions that threaten to pull me away from what I should be doing.

It's not like I'm doing this out of duty, either. I love Jesus with all that I am, and I want that love to radiate to the people around me. When I read the Bible and see how passionate Jesus was about his ministry, I am inspired to be more like him. I want to bring His love to those who don't know it and give hope to the hopeless. I'm thinking about going into missions (for a while, I didn't want to, but I think God is stirring it up in me again).

I just know that I can't stay here and live like everyone else is living. White picket fence, 2.4 kids, SUV...I can't live that kind of life! I go crazy just thinking about it.

What I desire is dirt on my hands and sweat pouring down my back. Children swinging off my back and families coming together in community. I want to be more like Jesus - actually more like Him, doing what He was doing, living as He was living. Not the over spiritualized concept of "make me more like Jesus" but the nitty-gritty hard work concept of "I need to be like Jesus - literally."

Read the gospels and see how Jesus acted. How He spent His free time. How He lived, what He ate, where He went. And then ask yourself...if Jesus were living in our culture and time right now, what would He be doing? Are we doing it?

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm Canadian, so today we are celebrating Thanksgiving :) And what a beautiful day to celebrate it!

What my Jesus time is looking like these days :)

I have my NIV Bible, my Poverty and Justice Bible, my diary, and my devotional journal.

I love the Poverty Bible - it has 50 challenges in it that I'm doing every week. This week's is about books. So I asked around and my mom's friend gave us a bunch of kid's books that I'm donating to the Mission tonight. Maybe Kaye, Valli, and I will read a book together!

Thankful for Kids

It's been a crazy week here at UofT. In a good way. Every single morning I am so excited to get out of bed and face what God has put before me. I have no idea what people I'm going to meet or what blessing He will pour onto me. It's a beautiful adventure.
Volunteering on Monday was...trying. I'm really sensitive and emotional, especially when it comes to kids. And these children have...nothing. I want so badly to hold them and help them, to give them the beautiful things in life that they probably have no idea about. Walking through a shopping mall or even going to church, I see parents letting their kids play with iPods, Nintendo DS's, and cellphones. The kids I work with...well, they have cards. And jenga. And each other.
I learned this valuable lesson when Kaye presented me with a picture she had drawn me. "Here, this is for you." The picture is now on my wall, a reminder that you don't have to be rich to love, you don't need money to give people gifts. Markers and a piece of paper will suffice.

Thankful for Love

I have been overwhelmed with God's love over the past few weeks. More and more, I have been showered with His affection and goodness towards me. I feel like I'm caught in a rain shower of the divine that is quenching my thirst for more of Him.

I see His love through my breakup with Joel. How He stepped in and comforted me when I was hurting. How He sent people my way to love on me. How He held me in His arms and gave me hope.

I see His love in the children I tutor. The way their eyes sparkle with hope and joy. The way they lay a hand on my arm affectionately, craving love and comfort. The way God sent them to me, and me to them.

I see His love in the sky, the trees, my friends, my family, and perhaps most importantly, the cross. He sent Jesus to die for my sins, for the sins of the world, because He loved us so much.

Where would we be without God's unconditional, beautiful, and everlasting love? And now that we have that love, how are we responding to it? Do we share it with others, or do we keep it to ourselves? Do we reach out to those in need, or stay comfortable in our lives? A part of why God loves us is so that we can love others in turn.

Thank You, Lord, for Your love. You fill my heart with it and offer it to me unconditionally. Help me take Your love into the world that so desperately needs it. In Your precious name, Amen.

Living in the City

I know I've been MIA for quite some time. University, I'm finding, is fairly crazy. There's lots of reading, lots of people, and lots of fun. I've meet cute indie boys, an amazing group of friends, and sincere Christians.

Dealing with my breakup with Joel has been easy yet difficult. When I'm home for the weekend, memories flood me. I drive by the place where we had our first date, where our favourite restaurant was, and where I first told him I love him. So, I'm not a big fan of going home. I know it will get better with time. And while I'm here in the city, there's other, bigger things on my mind.

Tonight was my first night tutoring at the city mission. I'm paired with two grade one girls who have beautiful smiles and big hearts. And yet, they have so little...only a pencil in their pencil case, shirts that are wrinkled and stained, and dinner that consists of McDonald's. The mission isn't that well off, either. Their supplies are low, and they are wondering if they will even be able to give the children gifts and prizes this year since their income is based on donations.

Walking back from the mission, I passed by huge department stores and equally huge churches. I couldn't contain the tears. Everything is so upside down in this life, and what are we doing to change it? How come we are so eager to walk into a multi million dollar mega church but not spend our time with the poor and needy? To give our time, our gifts, our money?

I'm reading "Irresistible Revolution" right now by Shane Claiborne. One of the things he says in his book is..."I asked participants who claimed to be 'strong followers of Jesus' whether Jesus spent time with the poor. Nearly 80 percent said yes. Later in the survey, I sneaked in another question. I asked this same group of strong followers whether they spent time with the poor, and less than 2 percent said they did. I learned a powerful lesson: we can worship and admire Jesus without doing what He did.We can applaud what He preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy of the Church is not that rich Christians don't care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor."

Hm. Something to think about.

A Journey to Healing

Hey, blog friends and whoever may read this.

Please pray for me. My boyfriend of 9 months just broke up with me today, and I don't really know what to feel. I don't entirely agree with his decision, so I'm really hurt and confused right now. I felt that God wanted me to keep fighting and keep hoping. But - I couldn't. It's over now.

So, please pray for me as I trust God to heal me and hold me, and lead me in this situation.

University!

I move into University on Sunday! And the worst part is, I haven't even started packing yet!

I'm nervous, excited, skeptical, and hesitant all at the same time. I love where I am in life, and I don't want that to change. I love my friends and my family. I don't want us to grow apart.

But I know God has a plan for all of this. And I trust Him with my whole heart!

Just finished the book, "Forgotten God"

Everything makes much more sense now - the way my heart has been burdened, my desire for change...all of it.

It's been the Spirit working in me, and I shouldn't be afraid or try and quench it. I need to follow where He leads me and be satisfied.

The last part of the book was what really got to me. Francis & his wife decided to give all the royalties from their book, Crazy Love, to the Isaiah 58 fund. The money goes to the needy in this world - those who are starving, sick, and in the sex-slave trade. People told him that he was being foolish and irresponsible with the gifts God gave them. They said that Francis and his wife should at least have put away some of the money in case of an emergency.

To that, Francis replied, "Is it not an emergency that children in Cambodia and Thailand and even the United States are being raped every single day of their lives? Why is that not an emergency? Is it only an emergency if it affects me and my immediate family?"

This gets me thinking - what the heck am I doing to help God's children - those who are in need? Jesus said the greatest command is to love God and love others. How am I loving others? How is my time, money, and talent being used for His kingdom?

I am so desperately praying to be used by You, God. I know You've called me to work as a missionary in the city of Toronto, to give away my stuff, and to donate my money to those in need. But I want to do more. I want people to see my life and praise You for all that You are doing. I want to be radical - not lukewarm, or comfortable, or complacent. Holy Spirit, guide me. I ask for Your presence in my life. Come, Holy Spirit, come.

Thankful for Change

I really don't like change. I'm terrified of it. I prefer things to stay just the way they are - safe, comfortable, and painless.

This past weekend, God showed me just how flawed my thinking was. Jesus doesn't call us to a "safe life." He wants us to leave everything and follow Him with joy. "Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:33)

Giving up everything requires change. This change is different for everybody. For me, it meant giving up my time, money, and stuff. So, I started a volunteer application for the Toronto City Mission. While at University, I hope to be helping out in the community and caring for people's needs. I want to love people - not just by saying I do, but by showing it.

I'm going to be giving away my spending money to Pakistan aid organizations. Instead of going to see a movie or buying a new shirt, I want my money to show that I care about others more than myself.

The final realization was all the "stuff" in my room. I realized I didn't need all of it...my clothes, books, jewellery... So before school starts in September, I'm going to detox my room and give away what I don't need to the people who do need it.

In Luke 19, Zaccheus goes through a major change when he meets Jesus. The Bible says he was "a chief tax collector and was wealthy." (Luke 19:2) But, after meeting the Lord, he makes a dramatic decision. "Look, Lord! here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount." (Luke 19:8)

Zaccheus was so in awe of the Lord that he decided to give away what he had to help those who were worse off than him. He realized that nothing else in this world matters as much as Jesus does. He wanted to show how much he trusted Jesus by giving away what he had and following Him whole heartedly. I long for that kind of dependance on Jesus. My "changes" are so trivial compared to what Zaccheus did. But, they're a step. And who knows what God has in store for me next?

Change, although scary, can be good. God uses change to make us into better disciples and to spread the gospel into the world. What is God asking you to change in your life?

ps. to see where I had gotten my change of heart, watch Francis Chan's sermon "Lukewarm and Lovin it" here.

Is This Really Church by Francis Chan

I really think I need to watch less Francis Chan sermons, because my head is spinning after this one. I am floored at what he talked about, and SO challenged.

When he talks about what services would look like if we just looked at the Bible - wow. I've had that same thought so many times...and now, someone gets me! Someone thinks like me! It's pretty amazing.

I can tell that God's going to be changing me. And while I am scared and nervous, I'm also in love - with a God so BIG and AMAZING that He takes my breath away.

A Challenge

I'm honestly shaking after watching this video. Click here to watch it.

This sermon is one that Francis Chan preached to his church in Simi Valley in October of 2006 after he left the church for a while to prayerfully consider what God wanted for his life. It's probably one of the most challenging and frightening things I have ever watched.

I want to be like Zaccheus in Luke 19, who after meeting Jesus gave away half of his possessions and gave back money to those whom he had cheated. I want to give away my stuff, my money, my everything - but I don't know where to start. I'm only 17, after all. I don't have much to give away.

I know God still wants me to change though. And I want to change, too. So I'm going to start with giving away my spending money to help the people in Pakistan. I know it's a small start, but at least it's a start.

Father God, I feel so small and helpless. I want to be Yours and give away everything to You. Please help me become the woman You want me to be, no matter what I have to do. Everything on this earth is Yours anyway, and all this "stuff" is so minimal compared to Your greatness and glory. Jesus, change me, shape me, use me. Set me on fire for You.

HARD

Well, my summer trip is over. We left my boyfriend, J, in Virginia for University. I managed to hold in the tears until last night when I had a major breakdown in my room.

He's 12 hours away now, and I think I'm dealing okay. I'm surrounding myself with friends, family, and stuff to do so that my mind is occupied. But I still miss him - a lot. And it's only been one day.

Please keep me in your prayers if you can. Thank you. :)

In Washington :)

My blog absence is explained by my vacation to Washington/Lynchburg. I drove down here with Joel and his family...it's very bittersweet, because we're leaving him in Lynchburg, where his University is.

We're going to be 12 hours away for 4 years.

I don't know how I'm going to handle saying goodbye...

The Capitol

Library of Congress

Standing beside "John Kloc" at the Vietnam Memorial (he has the same surname as I do)

Capitol in the back :)

In front of the White House