Spring Fever?

I think something is wrong with me...okay, I know that something is wrong with me. The problem is that I can't figure out what it is. I'm terribly moody and sad these days, and I'm feeling very unmotivated. I hate getting up in the mornings and having to face yet another day of school, work, and family. I feel lonely, yet when someone offers me their company, I don't want it. I'm enjoying my solitude to an unhealthy extreme. I want to cuddle up in my bed and hide from the big, scary world. Either that, or run away somewhere far, far away where no one knows me and I can start over again.

I know what you're thinking...and I have to admit, I don't sound like the happiest person. Maybe I'm just sick of pretending to be okay. Maybe I just want to be understood, for once in my life. Or maybe, I'm just insane and I can blame it on "spring fever"...

Obviously, I don't know much of anything right now, which can explain why I haven't posted in over a week. My mind has been full of thoughts that plague me every single second of the day...mostly thoughts about the future, like where the heck I'm going to be come September, along with a multitude of topics that I don't feel like sharing right now. These thoughts constantly attack me, and I get so overwhelmed at times that I can't do anything else but cry. I feel ridiculous and emotional and stupid - very stupid!

These moods are seeping into my relationships with people. I'm going back to retreating and hiding, and acting (which I am very good at, by the way). But what other option is there? Who would want to see all the ugliness that's going on underneath my cover? They would probably think I'm insane...either that, or guilt trip me with verses about how I'm supposed to be joyful and thank God in everything.

I know that...I know I'm supposed to thank God every single day, no matter how bad it gets. Honestly, His love is the only thing that gets me through the day, the only thing I can look forward to and hold tight to. I have to trust in Him, to give Him my everything...even though my everything is currently a very weak, broken, and fragile heart.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." - Lamentations 3:19-22

God is a God of Justice

There are so many things I love about God - His love, mercy, compassion. Yet one of His qualities that is often questioned is His justice. People wonder how a loving God could punish people or give them over to their sins. Yet God cannot have love without having justice...and His justice is righteous and perfect, just like He is.

The reason why I love this particular character of God's is because it brings me peace. When I see awful things happening in our world, my first reaction is to stand up and fight. I want to hurt people who have done awful things, to pay back the wrongs that have been done against me. But, I have to remember that it isn't my place to judge. I must forgive, and let God work in people's lives; let Him change their hearts if that is His will. I must also remember that one day, each and every one of us will stand before the throne of God and be accountable for all our actions.

I can rest knowing that the battle is the Lord's and that He is the final judge of everything. For now, my job is to love, forgive, and shine Jesus' light.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. - Romans 12:17-21

Fixing our Eyes on the Eternal

As Winter's grasp begins to loosen and Spring is beginning to show its face, I am reminded of how quickly time goes by. It seems like yesterday that I was in Italy, when in reality, it was a year ago. The memories of Grade 9 are still fresh in my mind, even though four years have passed. Each day feels more like a few minutes than twenty four hours. Time is passing, and at a very fast rate!

"Man is like a breath, his days are like a fleeting shadow." - Psalm 144:4

Although at first glance this verse may seem depressing, it has brought me hope in dark times. I am reminded that this life is temporary, and that a greater life awaits me in heaven. This is not my true home; my heart yearns for the place where I belong.

The passing of time may seem frightening to some...after all, there are many pleasures here on earth that one may want to hold onto. I enjoy spending time with my friends and family, learning new things, or feeling the sun on my face. These are all blessings that God has given us to enjoy. But when rough times come along, I cannot place my hope in these earthly things. I have to look to God, and place my faith in Him.

Hard Conversations...

I am brutal when it comes to conversations...absolutely terrible! When it comes to writing, it is much easier to express myself. With a pen in my hands, or with my fingers on the keyboard, words flow easily. I don't have to think - the words just come. Yet when it comes to talking...well, let's just say I'm no public speaker!

Unfortunately, not everything can be said through notes and messages (which I love sending out!). Some things need to be talked about, and they are usually the hardest conversations to have. The words "we need to talk" are probably the worst ones that someone can say to you...but recently, I realized how much harder it is to be on the delivering end! I thought that having to listen to what the other person had to say was difficult...until I had to be the one saying it!

Seeing as it's Thankful Thursday (yay!) I want to thank God for being near me in these conversations. I know He is right beside me, encouraging me and giving me the right words to say. I thank Him for giving me courage to talk to this person, and for granting me strength. Although the conversation was...hard...I know that I was following God. :) I'm excited to see where He'll lead me!

Glimpses of Heaven

Twelve days have passed so quickly, and already, it is March. Where did all the time go? I feel as if it were only yesterday that I began this journey of growing while reading Captivating. And yet here I am, on March 2nd, already done the book! I have been incredibly blessed by it, and have changed - but the real test will come now, when I have to apply it in real life. No more hiding? Really? Not even with certain people? No. God calls me to something greater, a life that is live for Him alone, and for His glory.

"To live as an authentic, ransomed, and redeemed woman means to be real and present in this moment. If we continue to hide, much will be lost. We cannot have intimacy with God or with anyone else if we stay hidden and offer only who we think we ought to be or what we believe is wanted. We cannot play the ezer role we were meat to play if we remain bound by shame and fear, presenting only to the world the face we have learned is safe. You have only one life to live. It would be best to live your own." - pg. 216

Am I terrified? Of course. God never promised that it would be easy, only that He would be there every step of the way and that He would take care of us. I am ready to go wherever He leads me, for I know that is where I belong. Yesterday, driving home from my singing lesson, I looked up at the sky and nearly cried because it was so beautiful. After the dark, grey, cloudy days of winter, I was overjoyed to once again see the pristine blue colour that I love so much. As the sun began to set, the sight became even more beautiful, with red, yellow, and pink flooding the sky and setting it aglow. I was in awe - I could barely keep my eyes on the road because it was so beautiful!

I realized what it was - a glimpse of heaven, of the future to come. My home is not here on earth, but there, forever in the presence of God. And while I am living here on my temporary home, I am determined to live like a woman whose heart is captured by her God. A woman who is captivating, because her heart is God's alone.