Still Undecided...

I wish there was a big sign outside my window telling me which university God wants me to go to. Or a loud, booming voice saying, "Claudia, go to this one!" I'm still expecting something along those lines...praying for a sign, a suggestion, anything to calm these nerves inside of me!

It's not fair that I'm limited to universities in my area...it's not fair that my boyfriend is going all the way to Virginia (12 hours away!) to the world's largest Christian university while I'm stuck here, miserable and unhappy. Oh, what I wouldn't give to do go where I wanted to, to not be limited by my parents. I know I shouldn't be complaining that things aren't fair, that they aren't the way I want them to be. Life is beautiful, and each day is a blessing from God. But then, why aren't I happy, like I should be?

Sometimes, I'm scared that God's plan for my life is to have me be miserable forever. Like, what if my deepest desire of being a mother doesn't come true? What if I watch everyone around me get married and start families while I'm single for the rest of my life?

I know these fears are irrational, that they are stupid and pointless. But I need to express them instead of burying them deep down inside of me. I need to write this out, to try and understand what I'm feeling, and why I'm feeling.

Father, I'm scared. I know I shouldn't be, because You're holding me in Your arms. You've got a plan for me, You know where I will be a year from now, ten years from now...please, God, I pray that You would calm my unsteady heart, and teach it to hope in You. Amen.