After His Heart...

Merry Christmas and Goodbye :)

2010-12-24T11:29:00.000-08:00

So, I have decided to leave this blogger, at least until I find more time and motivation to keep it going. I will still post from time to time, just not as often. I have a Tumblr now, which is a much easier and less time consuming internet blog. Email me if you would like to know the address and you can follow me on there. (email - claudia.kloc@live.com)

I would like to thank everyone for keeping up with me, for the encouragement and the love, and all the nice comments. God bless you and your family on this Christmas! :)

An absence that can be explained in one word

2010-12-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

Exams.

Only one more this Wednesday, however, and I will be done my first semester of University! It's been a whirlwind of emotions, studying, and amazingly fun times. I wouldn't trade this school for anything. People told me I'd stray from my faith if I didn't go to a Christian University - but last I checked, I've been growing so much here. I get to be in the city and be God's hands and feet to the people that need it so badly. There is a great community of believers here who encourage me and pray with me :)

Here's some photos of the winter wonderland back at home:

What's stopping me?

2010-11-29T08:38:00.000-08:00

(click photo to go to the Hands At Work webpage)

Malawi.

Population of 14 million.

1.1 million orphans.

12% of adults affected with HIV/AIDS.

Life expectancy: 48.

I've been asking myself lately...what is stopping me from going there - right now, right this very second? I have enough money to buy a plane ticket. I have somewhere to go, an organization to volunteer with. What if I just got up and left, didn't say goodbye to anybody, and just went to serve there for the rest of my life?

I'm being serious here.

Satisfaction

2010-11-23T07:28:00.000-08:00

I'm reading through Hosea right now and it's really convicting me to change some things - okay, a lot of things. But I'm taking it one step at a time, starting with addressing the issue of chasing after other lovers - lovers that aren't God. This is a central issue in the book of Hosea, which is about Israel straying from God and being unfaithful to Him. Israel goes after her lovers yet completely abandons God. When I think about this illustration, I am struck by how similar I am to Israel...and just how badly I need to stop chasing.

It's not that I abandon God and seek a life far from Him...but at times, I forget He's the most important in my life. I am prone to looking for acceptance and satisfaction in the people that surround me - earthly lovers - instead of in my Heavenly Lover. This becomes a problem when people let me down or don't respond the way I want them to. And it's an even greater problem because I put other things above God.

Hosea has been a great reminder of just how loving God is. Despite Israel's sin, He woos her back and promises her a satisfied life - away from the lovers she chases but is never happy with. God knows that we will only be filled by Him, and He extends that love to us freely and without abandon.

"I will betroth you to me forever, I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord."

- Hosea 2:19-20

This is where I want to be in 4 years...

2010-11-18T21:06:00.000-08:00

ps. this is my 100th post! God is so good :)

Something to Think About This Christmas

2010-11-16T17:42:00.000-08:00

Thankful for Health

2010-11-11T07:39:00.000-08:00

It's easy for us to take our health for granted - I know that I'm guilty of it! Reading my Geography textbook, however, opened up my eyes to how utterly grateful I should be for the health I have. Here are some statistics that broke my heart:
- over 25 million people in Africa are infected with AIDS. In Botswana and Swaziland, 40 percent of adults have the disease. There is no vaccine available and drug treatments that slow the disease are expensive - 15,000 a year per person. - tuberculosis, a disease of poverty, affects 40 million people a year - there is still no fully effective vaccine- malaria is the main cause of death in the developing world with 90 percent of infections taking place in sub-Saharan Africa. 300 and 500 million people a year are infected by the disease. Over half of the people that die (around 3 million per year) are children.
So, on this beautiful November day while I'm sitting in my warm, comfortable room, I cannot forget that there are people out there who do not have the blessings that I do. Today, on November 11th, I also remember the soldiers who have fought for freedom and for a better life. I am thankful for my good health and for a beautiful country. :)

A video I made for my Mom's birthday :)

2010-11-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

Idleness

2010-11-05T18:17:00.000-07:00

If you've been following my blog for a while, you may have noticed that I'm extremely passionate about what I believe. I have a huge heart for the poor and the needy and want nothing more than to help them in any way I can. I live by Isaiah 58. My dream is to be surrounded by laughing, smiling, loving people in the heart of Africa. I want to eradicate world poverty. See the church rise up and be the hands and feet of Jesus in a broken world.

All these desires and feelings and passions buzz around in my mind constantly. Every day that passes I reminisce on the people and church of Cuba and think about how desperately I want to go back. But sometimes, on nights like this, I am overwhelmed by my passion. My heart is so burdened by all of it that I feel like I'm going to collapse under the weight. As I sit here and stare at my MacBook Pro, I feel an urge to simply get up, leave everything behind, and fly back to Cuba.

I probably sound insane to you. But you know what sounds insane to me? Sitting here in idleness when there are people in the world that need you, need us, need God's people.

Thankful Thursday :)

2010-10-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I'm thankful for today, so I decided that instead of focusing on one topic, I'd make a little list of things that I want to thank God for.

- Friends. :) There are times when I think I can handle life without them, but I really can't. They are my support system, always looking out for me (whether giving me advice at one in the morning, or making sure that I have a bandaid). So many people out there care for me, and it overwhelms me sometimes at the amount of love I receive. All you kind people who read my blog, post nice comments, and even follow me...your words are soothing to my soul and I thank you for taking time to encourage me.

- School. Although terribly difficult and stressful at times, I am really thankful that I have the opportunity to go to this amazing University, which is in the top 20 in the world! So many people don't have the opportunity to get an education, but I am one of the lucky few who has that privilege.

- Laughter.

- Chocolate. (I just had to put this one here!)

- Kaye and Valli. A recent addition to my life, but a very welcome one! :) Two sweet, precious girls who I tutor at the city mission every Monday. Every minute that I spend time with them I feel like I'm in the presence of angels.

- Autumn. Easily my favourite season. :)

Thankful for Books

2010-10-21T06:37:00.000-07:00

I am a book worm. Since the age of four, when I taught myself to read English (Polish was my native tongue prior to that), I have been absorbed by books. I constantly read - at school, in my room, and to my mother's dismay, at the table during dinner. I loved the way the words would weave together a story and how my mind would envision handsome princes, majestic castles, and magical unicorns. Reading was an escape for me into another world - one that I liked better.
It's been 11 years since I first started reading, and not much has changed (except for the believing in unicorns part...). Books still have the ability to bewitch me and pull me into another world. Although my genre has changed (less fairytales, more non-fiction), reading is still a major part of who I am.
I love the way God uses books to teach me something new about Him and His world. With each book that I read I feel that God is revealing Himself more and more to me. He does this through non fiction books, novels, and especially His word, the Bible. Every time I crack it open, I feel like God's telling me something new.
Yesterday, they converted our dining hall into a study space. Since I had studied the whole day for my Geography midterm, I decided to take my Bible and journal with me instead. It was kind of cool. :) I read through all of Lamentations, and here's some verses that stuck out to me. Maybe they could be a blessing to you too this morning. :)
"I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: Do not close your ears to my cry for relief. You came near when I called you, and you said, Do not fear."- Lamentations 3:55-56

A Stirring in My Heart

2010-10-18T18:07:00.001-07:00

I want to teach overseas. In Africa or South America or Asia...anywhere, really. Just not here. Not this consumerist nation with an equally consumerist church (most of them, anyway). I know there are good churches out there, but I lose faith when I hear how some of them are spending $400,000 on stained glass windows.

Today at tutoring, Kaye was so excited because of her new princess pencils and pencil case that matched. Here I am, sitting on a MacBook Pro in a luxurious library filled with books...and a block away, there's a girl who's getting excited over a pencil.

When I think about these two images juxtaposed with each other...I feel nauseous. And then I think...Am I doing enough?

Jesus, You've given me this heart for Your people. Help me to follow You and trust You wherever You lead me. My heart is stirring to serve You in foreign places...in places that need your love so desperately. I praise You for Your goodness, Lord, for giving me all these opportunities. You are amazing. :)

The Beauty of Autumn

2010-10-15T08:29:00.000-07:00

Autumn is my favourite. I love the colours of the leaves, the quiet in the air, and the delicate breezes. I thought that moving to the city would mean I wouldn't get to experience the full breadth and beauty of the season, but I am delighted that is not so. The campus is stunning at this time of the year, and provides a perfect backdrop to the horrors of midterms, tests, and essays.

University Update :)

2010-10-13T05:33:00.000-07:00

Midterms are coming up, there's lots of tests, assignments, essays, and not to mention, a lot of reading. But I'm quite proud of myself for keeping up with everything and not being behind (yet!).

I'm still battling with complacency here. There are times when I feel like I'm doing so much and then there are times when I feel useless. I want to work for the Lord with all of my heart but it's so hard to focus on just that. There are all these distractions that threaten to pull me away from what I should be doing.

It's not like I'm doing this out of duty, either. I love Jesus with all that I am, and I want that love to radiate to the people around me. When I read the Bible and see how passionate Jesus was about his ministry, I am inspired to be more like him. I want to bring His love to those who don't know it and give hope to the hopeless. I'm thinking about going into missions (for a while, I didn't want to, but I think God is stirring it up in me again).

I just know that I can't stay here and live like everyone else is living. White picket fence, 2.4 kids, SUV...I can't live that kind of life! I go crazy just thinking about it.

What I desire is dirt on my hands and sweat pouring down my back. Children swinging off my back and families coming together in community. I want to be more like Jesus - actually more like Him, doing what He was doing, living as He was living. Not the over spiritualized concept of "make me more like Jesus" but the nitty-gritty hard work concept of "I need to be like Jesus - literally."

Read the gospels and see how Jesus acted. How He spent His free time. How He lived, what He ate, where He went. And then ask yourself...if Jesus were living in our culture and time right now, what would He be doing? Are we doing it?

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-10-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

I'm Canadian, so today we are celebrating Thanksgiving :) And what a beautiful day to celebrate it!

What my Jesus time is looking like these days :)

2010-10-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

I have my NIV Bible, my Poverty and Justice Bible, my diary, and my devotional journal.

I love the Poverty Bible - it has 50 challenges in it that I'm doing every week. This week's is about books. So I asked around and my mom's friend gave us a bunch of kid's books that I'm donating to the Mission tonight. Maybe Kaye, Valli, and I will read a book together!

Thankful for Kids

2010-09-30T05:45:00.001-07:00

It's been a crazy week here at UofT. In a good way. Every single morning I am so excited to get out of bed and face what God has put before me. I have no idea what people I'm going to meet or what blessing He will pour onto me. It's a beautiful adventure.
Volunteering on Monday was...trying. I'm really sensitive and emotional, especially when it comes to kids. And these children have...nothing. I want so badly to hold them and help them, to give them the beautiful things in life that they probably have no idea about. Walking through a shopping mall or even going to church, I see parents letting their kids play with iPods, Nintendo DS's, and cellphones. The kids I work with...well, they have cards. And jenga. And each other.
I learned this valuable lesson when Kaye presented me with a picture she had drawn me. "Here, this is for you." The picture is now on my wall, a reminder that you don't have to be rich to love, you don't need money to give people gifts. Markers and a piece of paper will suffice.

Thankful for Love

2010-09-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

I have been overwhelmed with God's love over the past few weeks. More and more, I have been showered with His affection and goodness towards me. I feel like I'm caught in a rain shower of the divine that is quenching my thirst for more of Him.

I see His love through my breakup with Joel. How He stepped in and comforted me when I was hurting. How He sent people my way to love on me. How He held me in His arms and gave me hope.

I see His love in the children I tutor. The way their eyes sparkle with hope and joy. The way they lay a hand on my arm affectionately, craving love and comfort. The way God sent them to me, and me to them.

I see His love in the sky, the trees, my friends, my family, and perhaps most importantly, the cross. He sent Jesus to die for my sins, for the sins of the world, because He loved us so much.

Where would we be without God's unconditional, beautiful, and everlasting love? And now that we have that love, how are we responding to it? Do we share it with others, or do we keep it to ourselves? Do we reach out to those in need, or stay comfortable in our lives? A part of why God loves us is so that we can love others in turn.

Thank You, Lord, for Your love. You fill my heart with it and offer it to me unconditionally. Help me take Your love into the world that so desperately needs it. In Your precious name, Amen.

Living in the City

2010-09-20T19:25:00.000-07:00

I know I've been MIA for quite some time. University, I'm finding, is fairly crazy. There's lots of reading, lots of people, and lots of fun. I've meet cute indie boys, an amazing group of friends, and sincere Christians.

Dealing with my breakup with Joel has been easy yet difficult. When I'm home for the weekend, memories flood me. I drive by the place where we had our first date, where our favourite restaurant was, and where I first told him I love him. So, I'm not a big fan of going home. I know it will get better with time. And while I'm here in the city, there's other, bigger things on my mind.

Tonight was my first night tutoring at the city mission. I'm paired with two grade one girls who have beautiful smiles and big hearts. And yet, they have so little...only a pencil in their pencil case, shirts that are wrinkled and stained, and dinner that consists of McDonald's. The mission isn't that well off, either. Their supplies are low, and they are wondering if they will even be able to give the children gifts and prizes this year since their income is based on donations.

Walking back from the mission, I passed by huge department stores and equally huge churches. I couldn't contain the tears. Everything is so upside down in this life, and what are we doing to change it? How come we are so eager to walk into a multi million dollar mega church but not spend our time with the poor and needy? To give our time, our gifts, our money?

I'm reading "Irresistible Revolution" right now by Shane Claiborne. One of the things he says in his book is..."I asked participants who claimed to be 'strong followers of Jesus' whether Jesus spent time with the poor. Nearly 80 percent said yes. Later in the survey, I sneaked in another question. I asked this same group of strong followers whether they spent time with the poor, and less than 2 percent said they did. I learned a powerful lesson: we can worship and admire Jesus without doing what He did.We can applaud what He preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy of the Church is not that rich Christians don't care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor."

Hm. Something to think about.

A Journey to Healing

2010-09-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

Hey, blog friends and whoever may read this.

Please pray for me. My boyfriend of 9 months just broke up with me today, and I don't really know what to feel. I don't entirely agree with his decision, so I'm really hurt and confused right now. I felt that God wanted me to keep fighting and keep hoping. But - I couldn't. It's over now.

So, please pray for me as I trust God to heal me and hold me, and lead me in this situation.

University!

2010-09-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

I move into University on Sunday! And the worst part is, I haven't even started packing yet!

I'm nervous, excited, skeptical, and hesitant all at the same time. I love where I am in life, and I don't want that to change. I love my friends and my family. I don't want us to grow apart.

But I know God has a plan for all of this. And I trust Him with my whole heart!

Just finished the book, "Forgotten God"

2010-08-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

Everything makes much more sense now - the way my heart has been burdened, my desire for change...all of it.

It's been the Spirit working in me, and I shouldn't be afraid or try and quench it. I need to follow where He leads me and be satisfied.

The last part of the book was what really got to me. Francis & his wife decided to give all the royalties from their book, Crazy Love, to the Isaiah 58 fund. The money goes to the needy in this world - those who are starving, sick, and in the sex-slave trade. People told him that he was being foolish and irresponsible with the gifts God gave them. They said that Francis and his wife should at least have put away some of the money in case of an emergency.

To that, Francis replied, "Is it not an emergency that children in Cambodia and Thailand and even the United States are being raped every single day of their lives? Why is that not an emergency? Is it only an emergency if it affects me and my immediate family?"

This gets me thinking - what the heck am I doing to help God's children - those who are in need? Jesus said the greatest command is to love God and love others. How am I loving others? How is my time, money, and talent being used for His kingdom?

I am so desperately praying to be used by You, God. I know You've called me to work as a missionary in the city of Toronto, to give away my stuff, and to donate my money to those in need. But I want to do more. I want people to see my life and praise You for all that You are doing. I want to be radical - not lukewarm, or comfortable, or complacent. Holy Spirit, guide me. I ask for Your presence in my life. Come, Holy Spirit, come.

Thankful for Change

2010-08-25T16:06:00.000-07:00

I really don't like change. I'm terrified of it. I prefer things to stay just the way they are - safe, comfortable, and painless.

This past weekend, God showed me just how flawed my thinking was. Jesus doesn't call us to a "safe life." He wants us to leave everything and follow Him with joy. "Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:33)

Giving up everything requires change. This change is different for everybody. For me, it meant giving up my time, money, and stuff. So, I started a volunteer application for the Toronto City Mission. While at University, I hope to be helping out in the community and caring for people's needs. I want to love people - not just by saying I do, but by showing it.

I'm going to be giving away my spending money to Pakistan aid organizations. Instead of going to see a movie or buying a new shirt, I want my money to show that I care about others more than myself.

The final realization was all the "stuff" in my room. I realized I didn't need all of it...my clothes, books, jewellery... So before school starts in September, I'm going to detox my room and give away what I don't need to the people who do need it.

In Luke 19, Zaccheus goes through a major change when he meets Jesus. The Bible says he was "a chief tax collector and was wealthy." (Luke 19:2) But, after meeting the Lord, he makes a dramatic decision. "Look, Lord! here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount." (Luke 19:8)

Zaccheus was so in awe of the Lord that he decided to give away what he had to help those who were worse off than him. He realized that nothing else in this world matters as much as Jesus does. He wanted to show how much he trusted Jesus by giving away what he had and following Him whole heartedly. I long for that kind of dependance on Jesus. My "changes" are so trivial compared to what Zaccheus did. But, they're a step. And who knows what God has in store for me next?

Change, although scary, can be good. God uses change to make us into better disciples and to spread the gospel into the world. What is God asking you to change in your life?

ps. to see where I had gotten my change of heart, watch Francis Chan's sermon "Lukewarm and Lovin it" here.

Is This Really Church by Francis Chan

2010-08-25T16:04:00.000-07:00

I really think I need to watch less Francis Chan sermons, because my head is spinning after this one. I am floored at what he talked about, and SO challenged.

When he talks about what services would look like if we just looked at the Bible - wow. I've had that same thought so many times...and now, someone gets me! Someone thinks like me! It's pretty amazing.

I can tell that God's going to be changing me. And while I am scared and nervous, I'm also in love - with a God so BIG and AMAZING that He takes my breath away.

A Challenge

2010-08-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

I'm honestly shaking after watching this video. Click here to watch it.

This sermon is one that Francis Chan preached to his church in Simi Valley in October of 2006 after he left the church for a while to prayerfully consider what God wanted for his life. It's probably one of the most challenging and frightening things I have ever watched.

I want to be like Zaccheus in Luke 19, who after meeting Jesus gave away half of his possessions and gave back money to those whom he had cheated. I want to give away my stuff, my money, my everything - but I don't know where to start. I'm only 17, after all. I don't have much to give away.

I know God still wants me to change though. And I want to change, too. So I'm going to start with giving away my spending money to help the people in Pakistan. I know it's a small start, but at least it's a start.

Father God, I feel so small and helpless. I want to be Yours and give away everything to You. Please help me become the woman You want me to be, no matter what I have to do. Everything on this earth is Yours anyway, and all this "stuff" is so minimal compared to Your greatness and glory. Jesus, change me, shape me, use me. Set me on fire for You.

HARD

2010-08-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

Well, my summer trip is over. We left my boyfriend, J, in Virginia for University. I managed to hold in the tears until last night when I had a major breakdown in my room.

He's 12 hours away now, and I think I'm dealing okay. I'm surrounding myself with friends, family, and stuff to do so that my mind is occupied. But I still miss him - a lot. And it's only been one day.

Please keep me in your prayers if you can. Thank you. :)

In Washington :)

2010-08-14T05:14:00.000-07:00

My blog absence is explained by my vacation to Washington/Lynchburg. I drove down here with Joel and his family...it's very bittersweet, because we're leaving him in Lynchburg, where his University is.

We're going to be 12 hours away for 4 years.

I don't know how I'm going to handle saying goodbye...

The Capitol

Library of Congress

Standing beside "John Kloc" at the Vietnam Memorial (he has the same surname as I do)

Capitol in the back :)

In front of the White House

Letting Go

2010-08-03T11:53:00.001-07:00

God is asking me to let go of so many things and it's terrifying me. I'm the kind of person that hates change. I would be perfectly happy staying where I am in life and not having anything change around me. But I know that's not how God wants me to live.

First of all, God wants me to change and become more like Him. I am to grow in holiness and in love for Him on a daily basis. This means letting go of certain things - like TV shows that don't glorify God, or friends that don't point me towards Him. "Take care that you are not carried away with the error of lawless people and lose your own stability. But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ." - 2 Peter 3:17-18

Secondly, life requires change. Just as God designed the seasons to change, so we too must go through different seasons in our lives. Yes, it's scary at times, but God wants to teach us to rely on Him.

I pray that I let go, and let God. :)

My Wordle

2010-07-26T09:06:00.001-07:00

Worship

2010-07-25T05:13:00.000-07:00

I love worship - not just singing the songs and clapping my hands, but standing together as a church and giving God the praise He deserves.

I find that during worship times my mind can wander and I'm not fully concentrated on God. Thoughts about what I'm having for lunch or who I'm hanging out with in the evening usually fill my mind. I'm sure this lack of focus is common to many people...but is it what God wants from us?

No, of course not! God wants our whole heart, soul, and mind...meaning He wants our thoughts to be focused on Him! In order for myself to have this mindset of adoration and praise, I start my worship service a little earlier on Sunday. This includes singing songs to God while walking in the forest, praying, and meditating over Scripture. I also ask that God prepare me for worshiping Him with the congregation - that I would be focused on Him.

The thing about worship is that it defines your life - it is your life. Worship doesn't start when you walk into the sanctuary and end when you leave it. It is a decision to cultivate your time with God, praising Him and lifting high His name - both alone and with others.

Trying to do things without God

2010-07-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

Key word: trying. Without God's strength, power, and provision, we usually end up failing at whatever we want to do. I consider myself a strong, independent person who doesn't need/want anyone, and this translates into how I live my life. Although I don't want to, I usually end up thinking I can do things without God's help.

An example of this is how I want to love + respect Joel more. I can get moody and emotional at times, and he is usually the one who receives all these negative emotions. There are times when I'm not moody at all and everything's fine - but it's an awful cycle that I've been trying to break for months now.

This morning, I realized that I had been trying to change without God's help. I haven't actually gotten down on my knees before the Lord and prayed desperately for Him to change my heart. I haven't told my friends to pray for me, either. I've been trying to love Joel more through my own strength - which is why it has been failing.

I know I need to love Joel, but not with my love and through my strength, but with and through God's. I need to rely on Him and trust Him to change me and to make our relationship stronger.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

Now I'm off to pray and put this before the Lord!

Evening Quiet Time with my Lord

2010-07-13T17:56:00.001-07:00

I guess there's always a plus side to being alone and abandoned - it forces me to run to my Jesus. I need to remember that He is the only One that can satisfy me and that I need to look Him first.

Today taught me I need to RUN to my Lord - and that He will welcome me with arms wide open. How amazing and perfect He is, that I, a sinner, am welcome in the holiest arms of the universe. He loves me, and wants me to be fully in love with Him :)

"But you would be fed with the finest of wheat, with honey from the rock I would satisfy you." - Psalm 81:16

God promises to satisfy us :)

Secular vs. Christian Universities

2010-07-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

This post may take the form of a rant as I try and describe the experience I had yesterday talking with a representative from a large (the largest) Christian university.

He was trying to get me to apply for the school, and I politely declined, saying that my parents were not letting me attend and I had already chosen a secular university. He kept pressuring me, and even told me that I had to choose between God and my family. Hm. Last time I checked, your university is not God.

Not only that, but he said that ALL of his friends who attended a secular university walked away from God - even though they were worship leaders and highly involved in the church. He warned me that if I didn't choose a Christian university, I would end up like them. Hm. I'm pretty sure God can keep me safe because He is strong enough to do that.

Anyways, I was furious...I know that he was just trying to get me to go to his university, but as a Christian, his first responsibility should be to encourage his fellow sister in Christ. I did not get that from him.

I realize that it will be hard next year, but I also need to trust in God. He is the One who is sending me there - He's got a plan for me, and that includes UofT. God needs lights to shine for Him all around the world - not just in Christian universities.

Amazing :)

2010-06-26T15:41:00.000-07:00

God never ceases to amaze me. :) Last night I got to attend an appreciation event for volunteers at my church. Although it's impossible for me to attend regularly, I help out with the summer day camps - which is why I could go. It was a fabulous night! We had dessert, worship, and a message. It felt so much like church! Joshua Seller led worship, and a guest speaker spoke about the importance of being a slave for Christ.

I came home and started feeling rather down because I didn't have the opportunity to have such amazing experiences every week. So many Christians take going to church for granted - they view it as "just another day" or "another service." But I would give anything to be able to go to church on a Sunday - anything!

So, I decided to ask my mom if I could go to church tomorrow...I was terrified that she would yell or swear at me (her usual reaction), but she actually said yes!

I am going to church tomorrow for the first time in almost a year! God is so good! :)

Am I Crazy?

2010-06-23T16:04:00.000-07:00

I definitely think I am - in this world, anyways.

I just finished reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan - an amazing book! If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend that you do. It's life changing and thought provoking. Not a very difficult read intellectually - but very difficult on the comfort level. Don't read it if you don't want your life to change.

Anyways, after I finished reading it, a crazy thought popped into my head...I want my life to be harder. Yeah, insane, I know...but I actually do. I want God to give me storms so that I'm closer to Him - I don't want to be complacent and lukewarm...I want to be on fire and passionate!

I have no idea where my life is headed or how things will turn out. This whole U of T thing really scared me - but now I realize that it's God's will for my life. I can shine as a light to others in the midst of sin, brokenness, and bad decisions. I can live for Jesus.

It's like that Mikeschair song called "Let the Waters Rise." The chorus goes like:

There's a raging sea right in front of me, wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise, if You want them to, I will follow You, I will follow You.

Lord, I want life to get harder if it means I'll be closer to You. I want to stand before Your throne in heaven and say, "Lord, I did all I could to live a life that glorified You. I did the best with what You gave me, and I'm ready to spend eternity with You."

Father's Day :)

2010-06-20T10:04:00.000-07:00

Today is Father's Day - and even though my dad isn't home, I can still celebrate it with my Heavenly Daddy.

I'm planning on finishing the book "Crazy Love" today. I'm also scheduling ONE HOUR of time alone with the Lord - no distractions :) It will be spent in worship, reading the Bible, and prayer. I'm really excited!

While it's nice to wish your biological dad a Happy Father's Day, don't forget about God, the spiritual Father to us all.

Prom :)

2010-06-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

An apology is needed for my week+ absence from blogging. There's less than three weeks of school left, which means I've been bombarded with tests, assignments, and essays. Thankfully, I've finished all my work. The next few weeks are going to be used for studying (a lot), and a bit of relaxing, too.

Yesterday, I got to go to PROM! It was amazing and lots of fun! There's pictures below to look at :) Joel picked me up around 4, and we got lots of pictures taken before we left. Everyone was meeting down at the waterfront for more photos...and then we arrived at the actual event! It was at our school, but the prom committee did a great job decorating it. Dinner was delicious, and the dancing was great. The only disappointment was that everyone left so early...the people were more excited for after prom than prom. Which was incredibly dumb!

Joel and I stayed until around 9...we were one of the last ones to leave. He surprised me with his not so bad dance skills! We dropped by my friend's after prom, and then spent the rest of the night together at his house watching Guys and Dolls. I got home around 2 AM and went straight to bed. I woke up at 1:30 PM today, and have been laying on the couch since then.

Now that this great event is over, it's time to get back to reality (and studying).

Time to Think

2010-06-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

I've had a long and interesting week since I last posted. There's been many tears, laughs, and smiles...and lots of time to think.

Although I'm not going to go into much detail (this blog is available to some of my friends), I will say that I received a huge lesson in obedience and submission. I was being stubborn in a situation, thinking + secretly hoping that I was right. Well, turns out I was wrong. I had to let go of my pride, and honestly ask God for a new heart and a new way to see things.

The thing about sin is that we love being in it, and we try to trick ourselves into thinking it's right. Fortunately, God loves us too much to just leave us in our sin. Which is why He graciously taught me this lesson.

Father, I thank You for Your greatness. Your love amazes me. I especially thank You for being patient and gracious towards me. I know there are areas in my life that need Your light, and I pray that You help me change. I want to be more like You, to live a life that overflows with passion.

Here are some photos of my University...and yes, I've made my decision! I will be attending University of Toronto -> Victoria College. It's in the top 15 best Universities in the world, and it has around 40,000 undergraduates. I'm terrified, but trusting God with my whole heart. He's got a plan for me. :)

Thankful for Old Journals

2010-05-27T04:14:00.001-07:00

I decided to read an old journal yesterday. It's filled with some poems and ramblings, and there are still many empty pages. I guess I just gave it up because I wasn't feeling inspired enough.

So a few days ago, I decide to pick it up and read it. What a blessing! The things I wrote reminded me of who I am and Who I live for. It helped me to regain my perspective on life, and to remember that God is the only One who matters. Here's an excerpt...

(Sun Jan 3rd, 2010)

There is SO MUCH

I'm unsure of

- the future holds many

unknown things...

Where am I going?

Who will I be with?

Will I be happy?

I, I, I...

But it's not about "I"

It's about

You, Lord

Where do You want me?

Who do You want me to be with?

Are You pleased with me?

But even then...

The details

don't matter

All that matters is that I'm

following You.

Friends - Part Two

2010-05-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I survived without talking to people before...how did I hide all those emotions inside of me without blowing up? It has become so much easier for me to talk and express my feelings - not to everyone, of course, but to certain people. There's still a long ways for me to go in this area, but with God's help, I am growing and changing.

Two weeks ago, I wrote about one of my good friends, J. Tonight, I have another friend on my heart, one that I've been close with since the beginning of high school - we will refer to him as G. I've written about him on here before, in this post and this one.

We met on the first day of Grade 9 in Religion Class. I was too shy to say hello to anybody, but he quickly introduced himself. The rest, they say, is history! From the beginning, he was always there for me, through the good times and the bad...and although we sometimes drifted apart during the school year, we would always hang out in the summer. It's going to be hard saying goodbye to him when September comes - who am I going to text when something's on my mind? Who will I call when I desperately need someone to hang out with?

Well, September is still far away, so I may as well enjoy my time while I can! I thank God for our friendship, for how He has blessed me with someone I can be open with and who accepts + understands me. If you're reading this, G, I hope you know how much our friendship means to me (despite all our "nagging" and "arguing" in English...really, what does Mrs. A know?).

Thank You, Lord, for teaching me to trust. Remind me that you are my perfect friend, and the One who will never fail me. I am so blessed by all the friendships you have placed in my life. I ask that you help me shine Your light to them, and point them to You.

Finding Peace

2010-05-16T13:14:00.001-07:00

Today, I found peace in an unexpected place - gardening. I didn't expect to enjoy this... "hobby" ...but I gave it a try and actually enjoyed myself!

My mom and I went to the gardening store, and I got to pick out what flowers I wanted to put in my pot. There were so many options, but I managed to find some I liked (don't ask me what they are...I do believe one is a petunia, though!). After picking out all the flowers I liked, I got two pots and attempted to pour dirt in them (attempt because I got more dirt on the floor than in the pot). Then I placed the flowers in an arrangement I liked, and voila - all done. I can't wait to see them grow!

I loved finding peace in the garden and getting my mind off of circumstances and events. Instead of worrying, I focused on the beauty of God's creation and rested in His presence.

Thank You, Lord, for giving me this time of solitude and joy.

Here's Isis and I on the deck with one of my pots :)

Joy comes in the morning...

2010-05-09T16:38:00.000-07:00

Nights are the worst time of day for me. I can fake my way through the rest of the day, putting on a smile and pretending that everything is fine...but once I get alone in my room and the silence starts to cover me, I break down. I can cry for hours and hours until I am so tired that I pass out from exhaustion. It's an awful experience - and really, it doesn't happen all that often. But on the nights that it does, I am completely broken and hurt.

I call them my "panic attacks." They happen when I choose to look at situations and circumstances in my life instead of at Jesus. They happen when I let the pain overwhelm me instead of praying for God to heal my wounded heart. I know I am at fault, I know that I need to keep trusting in the Lord and to let Him hold me when I fall apart. Writing it down is so much easier than actually doing it, though.

Lamentations does such a good job of describing how I feel. After a bunch of...well, lamenting, hope is found..."Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:21-23

How true those words are! For no matter how broken and miserable I am during the night, hope always comes in the morning. I feel new, restored, and alive. The Lord is so good to me, and I praise Him for His faithfulness. He will help me through these tough times, if I only trust, and wait on Him.

On another note, here are some pictures from my friend's graduation party. I hope you enjoy them!

Here's the whole group of us at J's Party...

The Ladies...

J and all the men (my boy is the ridiculously handsome one on the right)

Me + the boy :)

Yes, that is right, you are seeing snow out the window...

The party eventually turned into a whole bunch of dancing...

Friends

2010-05-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

This Saturday, one of my best friends is having her graduation party. Since she is home schooled and doesn't get an "official" graduation, she's invited her close friends and family to a formal dinner. We are being asked to bring in an encouraging note/story so that she can read it at the party.

Writing the note to her has made me realize just how valuable her friendship is to me. Both of us have a common passion for Jesus, and that is evident in all the conversation we have. Every time I talk to her or see her, even if it's just for a moment, I am inspired by her commitment to following Christ. She is one of my only friends with whom I can talk to about spiritual thing - not because I'm not comfortable with other people, but because she is comfortable with me. Not many people today are willing to open up and be real with others, but when you do find someone like that, it is an enormous blessing.

I am thankful today for her friendship, and for all the other friendships that draw me closer to the Lord and help me on my walk. After all, God never meant for us to be alone on this journey.

The Importance of Prayer

2010-05-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

We are so quick to shrug off prayer times, aren't we? Well, I know that I am. When it comes down to it, I don't spend nearly enough time in prayer. I usually mumble a few words before going to sleep, and even then, I sometimes fall asleep before I'm finished.

Prayer is so important in a believer's life. It's communication with God - with THE God, the Creator of the Universe, the One who came to the earth as man to die for our sins. What a privilege and a blessing to be able to freely talk to Him. And yet, I seem so quick to forget who I'm talking to...perhaps it's because I don't actually see God in all His glory and majesty. Just because I don't see it, though, doesn't mean His presence is not there in the room with me. Nor does it lessen the fact that I am talking to the Lord of Lords, the Most Holy of all.

I would love to be like the elders in Revelation who fall on their faces before the throne of God...so this week, I vow to a) go to bed early, and b) spend at least 10 minutes in prayer while c) sitting on the floor instead of laying in bed. I hope this will become a regular occurrence. I have no doubt that after spending time with the Lord, I will long for His presence on a daily basis.

The seventh angel sounded his trumpet, and there were loud voices in heaven, which said: "The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ, and he will reign for ever and ever." And the twenty-four elders, who were seated on their thrones before God, fell on their faces and worshiped God, saying: "We give thanks to you, Lord God Almighty, the One who is and who was, because you have taken your great power and have begun to reign. - Revelation 11:15-17

The Joy of Children

2010-04-29T16:39:00.000-07:00

A child's joy is contagious. It is nearly impossible to wipe a smile off their face or to get them to stop laughing. Naturally, their good mood translates over to you, and you begin to feel their happiness. You recall what it was like to be a child, to be innocent and carefree and not have any cares in the world.

Working at Kumon (a tutoring franchise), I get to spend a lot of time with young kids around the ages of 3 - 7. There is one child in particular whom I look forward to seeing every day at work. He's a four year old boy who is an absolute genius...he can read fluently, and spell perfectly...and his mathematics make me feel inadequate (he knows what 7+9 is without thinking about it). Although his intelligence level is inspiring, what I like most about him is how much joy he passes on to me. He always walks in with a smile, tells silly jokes, and complements me on how I look. He makes my job the best job in the whole world.

I love how God places people, events, and circumstances in our lives that all point back to Him. The joy found in the kid I tutor is a reflection of God's joy when He sees people being saved or His children delighting in His love. It's also an example of the joy that I should have within me. I pray that I may have such happiness within me every single day of my life...even when the tough times come around.

Thankful for the Trials

2010-04-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

Lots of people go through trials, pain, and suffering. We are told that it is part of the Christian life, that to be more like Jesus, we need to experience what He did. We learn so much from trials, and the joy experienced on the other side is well worth the pain. God refines us through the fire, and He makes us more like Him.

I feel like very single day is a trial, like there is no "other side", just this one constant place of hurt. As soon as one problem is solved, something else comes up, and the roller coaster starts once again. People have ups and downs...whereas I seem to only have a down.

Recently, I've been asking God "why?" Why do things have to be the way they are, why can't there be peace in my life, why must there always be a problem? Why, why, why? I want answers, and I want them so badly...why, God, why can't You fix things? You are strong enough, no task is too small for you...the questions keep coming, and I know that asking them is getting me nowhere nearer to being satisfied with where I am.

Listening to a Mark Driscoll sermon definitely changed my perspective. He was preaching from the Beatitudes, and talking about how Jesus viewed the blessed.

"Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh." - Luke 6:20-21

Jesus says that the people who hunger, weep, and are poor are blessed...and one day, they will be blessed in His kingdom. This gives me so much hope, and so much to look forward to! I am thankful for the trials, because they put this life into perspective.

Still Undecided...

2010-04-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

I wish there was a big sign outside my window telling me which university God wants me to go to. Or a loud, booming voice saying, "Claudia, go to this one!" I'm still expecting something along those lines...praying for a sign, a suggestion, anything to calm these nerves inside of me!

It's not fair that I'm limited to universities in my area...it's not fair that my boyfriend is going all the way to Virginia (12 hours away!) to the world's largest Christian university while I'm stuck here, miserable and unhappy. Oh, what I wouldn't give to do go where I wanted to, to not be limited by my parents. I know I shouldn't be complaining that things aren't fair, that they aren't the way I want them to be. Life is beautiful, and each day is a blessing from God. But then, why aren't I happy, like I should be?

Sometimes, I'm scared that God's plan for my life is to have me be miserable forever. Like, what if my deepest desire of being a mother doesn't come true? What if I watch everyone around me get married and start families while I'm single for the rest of my life?

I know these fears are irrational, that they are stupid and pointless. But I need to express them instead of burying them deep down inside of me. I need to write this out, to try and understand what I'm feeling, and why I'm feeling.

Father, I'm scared. I know I shouldn't be, because You're holding me in Your arms. You've got a plan for me, You know where I will be a year from now, ten years from now...please, God, I pray that You would calm my unsteady heart, and teach it to hope in You. Amen.

Transforming...

2010-04-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

"...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes..."

- Isaiah 61:3

God is Creator, Scientist, Lover, Writer, Father...the list goes on and on and on. One of His jobs is as a Transformer...improving things and making them more beautiful.

How incredibly grateful I am for this, to know that God can take me, a sinful human being, a girl who's made so many mistakes...and turn me into beautiful. I love that, I love how He's powerful enough to do that. Change scares me, it is terrifying, but when God does the changing, it makes it seem more less scary. There's a hint of hope, of a different future. One day, a perfect future, with no tears or pain.

Early Morning Worship

2010-04-12T04:17:00.001-07:00

Usually, I'm the kind of person that loves to sleep in on weekends. Since I have to wake up at 6:00 every morning during the week for school, it's nice to have couple days where you don't have to worry about getting up. Yet for some reason, I woke up early yesterday Sunday morning (early=8:00 AM) and couldn't get back to sleep. Ugh, I thought, might as well get up and walk the dog. So, I decided to let my mom sleep in while I took Isis for a walk in the forest.

Little did I know just what a blessing it would turn out to be. It was such a beautiful day - the sky was a pristine blue, and the sun provided me with just the perfect amount of warmth. It was...amazing. But as amazing as the view was, worshipping God in that place was even better. I don't get to attend the kind of church that I would want to on Sundays. My mom makes me go to Catholic church with her, and I go out of duty and obedience. Yet there is always something lacking in mass - at least, that's what I find. I come out of there wondering, Where's the joy, God?

I don't have the opportunity of worshipping in a large group, of being able to lift my hands to God without being stared down by people (I wouldn't even try such a thing at mass!). The congregation stands there with no emotion on their faces while songs are being sung about God's greatness and His glory. It makes me wonder if they even know Who it is we are singing about.

So on Sunday morning, I decided to have my own worship session. True, there wasn't a band playing or people around me singing...but I didn't need that, because the one thing that mattered was there. I was in God's presence, and I was praising Him.

God's wisdom

2010-04-08T09:12:00.000-07:00

I realize I need to write more often than my once a week Thankful Thursday post, but life has been stressful (as always) and I haven't felt like blogging much. Days are flying by one right after the other, and I'm struggling to find time to breathe let alone blog. The daunting deadline of May 26 is approaching as well - the day when I need to accept to a University somewhere. I still have no idea where I'm going to go in September, and not knowing is really freaking me out. But I have to rest in the fact that God knows, and as long as He knows, I'll be okay with whatever.
I am thankful that I don't need to worry because God has a plan for me. I'm just a little scared because I don't know what it is...and I really want to! Sometimes, I wish that God had given me a day by day plan for my life, kind of like a scheduler for what's going to happen when (I'm really big on scheduling things!). But deep down, I know that isn't the best idea. God has to reveal things to us bit by bit, because He knows that we can't handle big news all at once. For example, if God told me a year ago today that I would be dating my current boyfriend, I would have totally freaked out! But God in His patience and wisdom revealed His will little by little...and it worked out for the best!
"How many are your works, O LORD! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures." - Psalm 104:24

Thankful Thursday...His Love

2010-04-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

No matter what people say, love is incredibly conditional. We are all sinful people, and although we would all like to love unconditionally, it is impossible. How many times have you gotten mad at somebody because they didn't do what you wanted them to? Our expectations get in the way of loving others freely, and they harm relationships that we have with others. Thankfully, we have a God whose love has no conditions.

God doesn't care what we look like or where we come from. He won't love us any less because of how we look on a certain day, or because we forgot to run an errand. God loves us the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow...His love never fails and never fades.

I am so thankful for God's love. I don't need to strive for it or earn it...He gives it freely, and offers it to all.

Spring Fever?

2010-03-31T12:57:00.000-07:00

I think something is wrong with me...okay, I know that something is wrong with me. The problem is that I can't figure out what it is. I'm terribly moody and sad these days, and I'm feeling very unmotivated. I hate getting up in the mornings and having to face yet another day of school, work, and family. I feel lonely, yet when someone offers me their company, I don't want it. I'm enjoying my solitude to an unhealthy extreme. I want to cuddle up in my bed and hide from the big, scary world. Either that, or run away somewhere far, far away where no one knows me and I can start over again.

I know what you're thinking...and I have to admit, I don't sound like the happiest person. Maybe I'm just sick of pretending to be okay. Maybe I just want to be understood, for once in my life. Or maybe, I'm just insane and I can blame it on "spring fever"...

Obviously, I don't know much of anything right now, which can explain why I haven't posted in over a week. My mind has been full of thoughts that plague me every single second of the day...mostly thoughts about the future, like where the heck I'm going to be come September, along with a multitude of topics that I don't feel like sharing right now. These thoughts constantly attack me, and I get so overwhelmed at times that I can't do anything else but cry. I feel ridiculous and emotional and stupid - very stupid!

These moods are seeping into my relationships with people. I'm going back to retreating and hiding, and acting (which I am very good at, by the way). But what other option is there? Who would want to see all the ugliness that's going on underneath my cover? They would probably think I'm insane...either that, or guilt trip me with verses about how I'm supposed to be joyful and thank God in everything.

I know that...I know I'm supposed to thank God every single day, no matter how bad it gets. Honestly, His love is the only thing that gets me through the day, the only thing I can look forward to and hold tight to. I have to trust in Him, to give Him my everything...even though my everything is currently a very weak, broken, and fragile heart.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." - Lamentations 3:19-22

God is a God of Justice

2010-03-20T18:51:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I love about God - His love, mercy, compassion. Yet one of His qualities that is often questioned is His justice. People wonder how a loving God could punish people or give them over to their sins. Yet God cannot have love without having justice...and His justice is righteous and perfect, just like He is.

The reason why I love this particular character of God's is because it brings me peace. When I see awful things happening in our world, my first reaction is to stand up and fight. I want to hurt people who have done awful things, to pay back the wrongs that have been done against me. But, I have to remember that it isn't my place to judge. I must forgive, and let God work in people's lives; let Him change their hearts if that is His will. I must also remember that one day, each and every one of us will stand before the throne of God and be accountable for all our actions.

I can rest knowing that the battle is the Lord's and that He is the final judge of everything. For now, my job is to love, forgive, and shine Jesus' light.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. - Romans 12:17-21

Fixing our Eyes on the Eternal

2010-03-15T08:35:00.000-07:00

As Winter's grasp begins to loosen and Spring is beginning to show its face, I am reminded of how quickly time goes by. It seems like yesterday that I was in Italy, when in reality, it was a year ago. The memories of Grade 9 are still fresh in my mind, even though four years have passed. Each day feels more like a few minutes than twenty four hours. Time is passing, and at a very fast rate!

"Man is like a breath, his days are like a fleeting shadow." - Psalm 144:4

Although at first glance this verse may seem depressing, it has brought me hope in dark times. I am reminded that this life is temporary, and that a greater life awaits me in heaven. This is not my true home; my heart yearns for the place where I belong.

The passing of time may seem frightening to some...after all, there are many pleasures here on earth that one may want to hold onto. I enjoy spending time with my friends and family, learning new things, or feeling the sun on my face. These are all blessings that God has given us to enjoy. But when rough times come along, I cannot place my hope in these earthly things. I have to look to God, and place my faith in Him.

Hard Conversations...

2010-03-11T11:31:00.000-08:00

I am brutal when it comes to conversations...absolutely terrible! When it comes to writing, it is much easier to express myself. With a pen in my hands, or with my fingers on the keyboard, words flow easily. I don't have to think - the words just come. Yet when it comes to talking...well, let's just say I'm no public speaker!

Unfortunately, not everything can be said through notes and messages (which I love sending out!). Some things need to be talked about, and they are usually the hardest conversations to have. The words "we need to talk" are probably the worst ones that someone can say to you...but recently, I realized how much harder it is to be on the delivering end! I thought that having to listen to what the other person had to say was difficult...until I had to be the one saying it!

Seeing as it's Thankful Thursday (yay!) I want to thank God for being near me in these conversations. I know He is right beside me, encouraging me and giving me the right words to say. I thank Him for giving me courage to talk to this person, and for granting me strength. Although the conversation was...hard...I know that I was following God. :) I'm excited to see where He'll lead me!

Glimpses of Heaven

2010-03-02T04:18:00.000-08:00

Twelve days have passed so quickly, and already, it is March. Where did all the time go? I feel as if it were only yesterday that I began this journey of growing while reading Captivating. And yet here I am, on March 2nd, already done the book! I have been incredibly blessed by it, and have changed - but the real test will come now, when I have to apply it in real life. No more hiding? Really? Not even with certain people? No. God calls me to something greater, a life that is live for Him alone, and for His glory.

"To live as an authentic, ransomed, and redeemed woman means to be real and present in this moment. If we continue to hide, much will be lost. We cannot have intimacy with God or with anyone else if we stay hidden and offer only who we think we ought to be or what we believe is wanted. We cannot play the ezer role we were meat to play if we remain bound by shame and fear, presenting only to the world the face we have learned is safe. You have only one life to live. It would be best to live your own." - pg. 216

Am I terrified? Of course. God never promised that it would be easy, only that He would be there every step of the way and that He would take care of us. I am ready to go wherever He leads me, for I know that is where I belong. Yesterday, driving home from my singing lesson, I looked up at the sky and nearly cried because it was so beautiful. After the dark, grey, cloudy days of winter, I was overjoyed to once again see the pristine blue colour that I love so much. As the sun began to set, the sight became even more beautiful, with red, yellow, and pink flooding the sky and setting it aglow. I was in awe - I could barely keep my eyes on the road because it was so beautiful!

I realized what it was - a glimpse of heaven, of the future to come. My home is not here on earth, but there, forever in the presence of God. And while I am living here on my temporary home, I am determined to live like a woman whose heart is captured by her God. A woman who is captivating, because her heart is God's alone.

Thankful Thursday

2010-02-25T17:11:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I participated in this - mostly because my Thursdays are ridiculously busy...I have singing lessons and then work right after, and I don't get back until 8:00. But today, I decided to join in because I want to come before the Lord with a prayer of thanksgiving.

Father, I am so thankful, firstly for who You are. The things You do and what You bless us with are great, but they are nothing compared to You. You are my treasure, Lord, the One I most desire. I thank You for being loving and kind, for forgiving us, and for welcoming us into Your arms when we come running. I am in awe of Your wisdom and Your sovereignty, for what can I know about heavenly things? - they are too lofty for me to understand. Yet You know everything, Lord, You surpass us all in knowledge. I come before You humbled, with a heart that flows with gratitude.

This past week has been so incredible, God. You have taken me on a journey that will bring me closer to You, and I thank You for that. I am so blessed by all the changes You are making in me, for the freedom that You've given to my heart. I realize, Lord, that I don't need to hide or protect myself, for You are my Mighty Protector and Shield. I can open my heart to others, trusting that You will keep it safe from harm. I pray that I continue to grow in You, and become a woman who is more deeply in love with You.

Lastly, I want to thank You for a friend that has been such an encouragement and inspiration to me. It has been a long time since I've allowed myself to open up to friendships and to be real and honest, but You have provided me with someone who I can do that with. I am so grateful for our friendship, Lord, for how it brings me closer to You. I pray that she may continue to seek Your heart, and to continually find rest and peace with You.

There are so many things to be thankful for, Father, but these are the ones that are weighing on my heart this week. I love You, and thank You for pursuing me with a passion that burns away all my doubts and fears. I pray that this prayer would be pleasing to You, and that it would glorify You. In Your Son's name, Jesus, I pray. Love,

Answered Prayer :)

2010-02-22T16:36:00.000-08:00

I blogged a prayer for satisfaction a few days ago, and the Lord has answered it :) I can't even express in words just how good He has been to me the past few days. I feel so blessed to be loved by such an amazing, beautiful God. I sit here typing, tears in my eyes because I am so grateful for who He is and what He is doing.

Reading through Captivating has stirred a longing in me, a longing for more of Him. I thirst for Him and can't imaging a day without His closeness. I love Him more than life, and would do anything for my King.

The first few chapters of the book have been so challenging and difficult, but also full of truth. I feel as if the book were being written to me specifically. Sometimes I wonder is John and Stasi read through my old journals and decided to base this book on them! All of my questions are being answered...and I am beginning to understand who I am and who God wants me to be.

My whole "hiding issue" was addressed in the chapter I read today. I have known for quite some time that it was something I needed to deal with. When I read Captivating last time, I touched upon this issue briefly. I understood it, but I didn't take any steps to change. I am determined to do that this time! I have faith that God will change and heal my heart.

Here's a few quotes from the book that were a great help to me:

"At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, wanted, and pursued." (pg.10)

"Sometime the idea of living as a hermit appeals to all of us. No demands, no needs, no pain, no disappointments. But that is because we have been hurt, are worn out. In our heart of hearts, that place where we are most ourselves, we don't want to run away for very long. Our lives were meant to be lived with others. As echoes of the Trinity, we remember something. Made in the image of a perfect relationship, we are relational to the core of our beings and filled with a desire for transcendent purpose. We long to be an irreplaceable part of a shared relationship." (pg.12)

"A woman's struggle with her sense of worth points to something glorious she was designed to be. The great emptiness we feel points to the great place we were created for." (pg.22)

And those are just my favourites from the first two chapters! I'm so excited to read the rest of this book and learn more about my God and the life He desires for me. I am so full of joy - my heart is full and at rest. There is no where I'd rather be than here in His presence. I pray that all broken, wounded, and lost women would experience the great love and mercy that our God offers. :)

Captivating

2010-02-20T14:51:00.000-08:00

I know I've blogged about this book before, but something is making me mention it again. These next few days are going to be a little...trying for me. The whole youth group is at CFAW in Virginia while I'm at home (working) and wishing I was there with them. This has been causing a lot of doubt and fear to take hold in me - thoughts of the future, where I'm going to go, and what I'm going to do. I'm scared - terrified!!!!

Yet I know God has not given me a "spirit that makes you a slave again to fear" (Romans 8:15), but the "Spirit of sonship." Fear is a sin, because it undermines God's sovereignty and greatness. When we fear, we are not putting faith in our awesome and amazing God, but rather choosing to be afraid of the future. For although we don't know what is planned for our lives, we can trust that it will be in God's hands.

When I read this book a few months ago, it changed something in me. It awakened a desire to live a life completely sold out for Him. Unfortunately, since it was a library book, I had to return it, so I didn't get much time to reflect on what I had learned. I knew, however, that God wanted me to continue discovering, so I went to the Christian bookstore and bought my own copy.

Over the next twelve days, I am going to be reading the book chapter by chapter, letting everything sink in. I want to change, to be more like Jesus, to have have a heart that is fully His. I want to be satisfied, to have a joy that transcends earthly circumstances, and to love Him with everything I have. God calls me captivating - and I want nothing more than to live as if I believed that to be true.

Praying for Satisfaction

2010-02-16T18:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Father,

I want to be fully satisfied in You. To have nothing else in this world matter but Your love, to have thoughts of You consume my mind, to be Yours alone. I am trying to get to that place through my own strength, but as You can see, it isn't working. I can do nothing by myself, for I am not strong enough. It can only be through Your strength and Your will that I am drawn close to You. I ask that You would satisfy me, Lord, that You would hold me in Your arms and show me Your love.

Busy = Being Under Satan's Yoke

2010-02-13T15:58:00.000-08:00

I just love that acronym because it's so true. We make so many excuses to not commune with God by reading the Bible, praying, going to church, etc - and "being busy" is probably number one on the list. We have to realize that busyness is a way for Satan to get us away from spending time with God and to get us focused on our life & our problems instead of on God. The next time you use being busy as an excuse, think about whether or not that is true...are you really too busy to spend time with the Lord of the Universe? Is doing laundry more important than meeting with Him?

Start of a New Semester...

2010-02-04T18:38:00.000-08:00

Exams are finally done and over with - well, at least until we receive our final report cards! Luckily, I don't have to think about that for another few weeks. For now, I have a new semester to focus on, which comes with feelings of excitement and a whole new set of butterflies in my tummy. One would think that after doing this for the eighth time, I would be a seasoned veteran and able to adjust to the new timetable smoothly.

Unfortunately, I am a bundle of nerves when it comes to change. I can't stand having my order disrupted, especially if I have no control over it. My new timetable looked to be promising, however, and I had already found out that many of my friends would be in my classes. Musical Theatre went by without any problems, and History and English (two of my favourite subjects!) were so much fun. The one snag in my day happened when I arrived in Vocal class, feeling like a complete outcast and reject when compared to the elite of the musical people in our school.

Now, one thing you must know about me is that I love to sing. It has been my passion since I started voice lessons seven years ago and has continued to this day. I know I'm never going to be the next Amy Grant or go on to American Idol, but I like to think that I have an amiable, "pretty" voice. Yet when I'm surrounded by my class who flaunt their amazing vocal skills around shamelessly, I start to get incredibly nervous and uncomfortable singing around them. Their cliquey, gossipy nature and the favour bestowed on them from the teacher add to the discomfort I feel.

Yet I know God has placed me in this class for a reason, even though I do not see it right this second. I know I am to act like Jesus would - loving your enemies, granting forgiveness, and offering kindness to all. Putting that into practice will be the challenge, for I'm not on great terms with the teacher or with the students in the class. But I must also remind myself who I'm out to please - not my fellow peers or teachers, but God. His standards are my standards, and if what I do pleases Him and is in line with His word, then there is nothing else I desire.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?" -Psalm 27:1

Exam Week!

2010-01-24T18:03:00.000-08:00

I know you're all wondering where I've disappeared to in the past couple weeks, but I do have a good reason...exam week is this week, and I've been burdened with projects and studying and more studying. It really has been hectic!

I have also started working at a local ski resort as a coach for a racing league of 8-10 year olds. Coaching occupies almost all of my weekend, but I wouldn't trade it for anything! The kids I teach are adorable, and I feel so blessed to be an influence and role model to them. Not to mention, they are amazing skiiers - some are even faster than I am!

This past Friday, I had the experience to go to a Switchfoot concert. It was one of the best nights ever. I was so close to the stage, that I could almost reach out and touch Jon Foreman. Here are some photos of the concert...

One of my favorite songs

2010-01-11T17:09:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to share one of my favorite songs (as of right now) from a band called Fee. Out of their whole album, this is the one song that espescially stood out to me. Enjoy! (PS> You'll have to mute the song at the bottom before you play the youtube video).

Back from my fast!

2010-01-06T11:54:00.000-08:00

A week of solitude, prayer, and worship. A week of no distractions, just time spent with my Lord. An amazing week where God taught me more than I ever thought possible.

At first, it was so hard to get into the routine of spending at least an hour in quiet time with God (something that I had promised to do for seven days). I sat there with my Bible open, unsure of where to start or what to read. I didn't know what to pray, what words to say to Him. I felt awkward and lost. I wanted so badly to be close to Him, to feel His presence and hear what He had to say to me. I was getting desperate when half my week had passed and I still didn't feel any better. I still felt far away from Him, and that discouraged me. Wasn't the whole point of this week for me to get close to Him?

Well, wouldn't you know it, the Lord answered my prayer! Sunday night came around and I decided to spend way more than the alloted one hour with Him. I wasn't going to set any time limits, nor was I going to half-heartedly pray and read my customary three pages of the Bible. I was going to get into it with all of my heart. And what a blessing that turned out to be! :)

God promises that if we seek Him with all our heart, we will find Him. The key word there is all our heart. He doesn't want us to go through the motions during the day and then say a few words at night before we go to sleep. He wants all of us.

There's so much more that I learned during my week that I could write a novel about it. But for now, it is enough to say that I've emerged from my fast a girl even more after God's heart, and dedicated to spending more time with Him.

Internet Fast :)

2009-12-30T18:58:00.001-08:00

As an early New Year's resolution, I have decided to fast from the internet for one week...no Facebook, no blogging, and no Skype-ing with my boyfriend while he's away in Phoenix (even though I really want to!).

Why? Well, I've been giving lots and lots of my time away to these things and not enough to God. I want to get re-connected with Him, spend some quality time praying and reading the Bible, and just sitting in His presence. I want Him to be my sole focus for a whole week, to let Him do whatever He wants with me for seven days. It's quite scary, but exciting at the same time.

I am reminded of how Jesus went away to pray in Mark 6..."After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray." (vs.46) Jesus needed to spend some alone time with God - He needed to retreat to be with His Father. That's what I've got to do. One whole week of devotion to the Lord! I'm ready to come back and share with you all the great things He will do in the next seven days. Blessings to all! :)

Happy Birthday to Me!!

2009-12-23T17:51:00.001-08:00

Well, I'm finally 17! Honestly, it doesn't feel much different than being 16...but it sure feels a lot better to be caught up with everyone else in my grade. That won't last for long, though, because come January, everyone will be turning 18 and I'll have to wait another year for that to happen!

Today was such a great day, even though it got off to a rocky start. My boyfriend called (at 9:00 in the morning!) to tell me he had double booked me for that evening. (WHAT?!) Well, after I got over the initial anger, we decided to hang out in the afternoon instead. Before our hang out, my best friend took me out for a birthday lunch...he's the guy in the last picture. I blogged about him a while ago when I wrote about him coming to youth group in October. He seems to be doing well, and I am continuing to pray for him :) I had a delicious turkey clubhouse sandwhich...yum...and I helped him shop for his sister's Christmas gift, though we didn't really find anything at Walmart.

After lunch, I went over to my boyfriend's to watch my all time favorite movie - Pride & Prejudice. I don't think he enjoyed it as much as I did...but oh well, you can't make everyone happy! He surprised me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers (seen in the first picture) which definately made up for the morning "mishap." I guess I just can't stay mad at him for long!

Another great part of today was getting a brand new camera and cellphone from the parents. The camera is amazing - picture #2 was taken from inside the restaurant of a bush that was 5 metres away! The 10x zoom is so great - be expecting lots of great pictures next year!

Well, I have to go because it is getting fairly late, but I just wanted to take this time and thank everyone who reads this blog and comments :) Your encouragement and kind words make my day so much brighter! God bless you all in this Christmas season!

Beginning of a New Chapter

2009-12-21T15:19:00.000-08:00

Another year has passed, a new chapter has begun. It's crazy to think how time flies - and I'm only seventeen! (Well, not until the 23rd). I wonder how fast the time will go by when I'm 80!

To celebrate my birthday, I invited my friends for a time of hanging out, eating, and skating. I'm not big on skating, but really, what else is there to do when your birthday is in the middle of winter? Curling? Anyways, it turned out to be a fun day. I had lots of fun skating with my friends (and boyfriend!) and got some great gifts - candles, socks, and best of all, journals. If you couldn't already tell, I am very big on writing. I've been journaling every day for almost a year now!

This year is definately going to be a scary one. With the end of high school looming, a new chapter will shortly begin - University. My mom and I got into a huge argument today about where I want to go. She wants me to go somewhere nearby, preferably a big name secular University, whereas I've been considering a Christian one all the way out in Virginia. When I suggested my idea, she completely shot it down, flat out prohibiting me from applying there. What a conundrum I'm in now!

Nevertheless, I'm trusting God with this whole messy situation. It's in His hands, and He knows what He is doing...I just have to believe! I know that when I am 80 and time is flying faster than ever, I'll look back and be amazed at God's hand in my life and thank Him for His wisdom and direction!

P.S. Here's a few photos from my party:

Christmas Time is Here :)

2009-12-16T12:20:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas time...it's probably my favorite season of the year. Everyone bustles about in the snow, people actually try to be nicer to each other, and above all, we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Isn't that what Christmas is all about? This year, I'm trying really hard to make Jesus the "reason for the season." I'm planning to read through the first few chapters of Luke over the next few days so that I can prepare myself for the wonderful celebration of Jesus' birthday.

Not as easy as I thought...

2009-12-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

After my last post, I've been trying, really trying, to open up more to other people. It's proven rather difficult - okay, really difficult! I grew quite accustomed to my nice, safe, hiding place behind the walls of a fortress I created to guard my heart. I've allowed God to get in, and that was an amazing feat - of course, it was all His doing! But God has been nudging me to let others in, too, my brothers and sisters in Christ, so that I can experience love and fellowship with them.

Well, it's not as easy as I initially thought. I've deattached myself from so many people in my life so that I wouldn't have to deal with the feelings that came with them. I retreated deeper within my "fortress", hoping, praying, that no one would care enough to look deeper than my surface smile. God has a funny way of working things out, though, and it usually includes something that I don't want to do. He's been placing people in my life that are making me open up, and while it's scary, it's also freeing. I praise Him for His perfect plan, for it's making me more like Jesus. By letting others in, I'm letting in the love of Jesus that flows through them.

What it really comes down to is love (doesn't it always?). God loves us, and He gave us other people so that we may love them and let them love us. God created Eve for Adam because it wasn't good for man to be alone. Jesus said the two greatest commandments were to (1) Love God and (2) Love each other as we love ourselves. God doesn't want us to hide from Him or from the people He's placed in our lives.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love...Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love another." - 1 John 4:7-8, 11

Whether you're running from love or not loving others, you are still not accepting and not showing the love that God gave us. He sent His son, Jesus, as the perfect act of love. In turn, we are to love Him back with all of our heart, and love those around us.

Getting Down to the Bottom of Things...

2009-12-07T15:24:00.000-08:00

In my last post, I told you about the library books that I'm currently reading (one down, two to go!). I have just started the book called "Captivating" and it's really opened my eyes up to who I am as a woman. One of the insights I've gleaned is how we, as women, long to be loved and cherished, and actually WANT to be dependent. At first, that totally did not make any sense to me. I hate being dependent...hate hate hate! But after reading the section in the book that talked about it, I stopped and asked myself - "Do I actually hate being dependent? Or is there more to it than that?"

Well, obviously there's more to it! Here's what the author writes in the book. "I simply loved feeling wanted and fought for. This desire is set deep in the heart of every little girl - and every woman. Yet most of us are ashamed of it. We downplay it. We pretend that it is less than it is. We are women of the twenty-first century after all - strong, independent, and capable, thank you very much...At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, wanted and pursued. We want to be romanced." (pg 9-10)

Well, of course we want to be romanced! Of course we want to be dependent on someone! That's what love and faith and trust are all about...being dependent! Yet somewhow, our desire for that has been buried. We've become ashamed of being who we are at our core - a woman who wants to be loved and taken care of! Our world has sent us unhealthy messages that we have to be powerful, independent women who don't need anyone else. These are lies that we've unfortunately came to believe over time. Yet at our very heart, God created us with the need to be needed, the need to be pursued.

He created us with this need so that He could fulfill it for us. God pursues us with a passion, He romances us and sets us apart as His children. He went so far as to even die for us. In return, He wants us to be broken to the point where we come before His throne and confess that we are completely and totally dependent on Him.

Not only has God created us to be dependent on Him, but also for us to be dependent on others - in a healthy, safe way. This doesn't mean that we are to blindly put our trust in others, but that we can stop putting our guard up around our brothers and sisters in Christ. As women, we should stop building up walls of independence around us, and instead let people into our lives - that they may love us and utimately point us to God's love.

PS. Here's some pictures of our Christmas Tree this year...our very first live one!

Lots of News!

2009-12-05T15:18:00.000-08:00

Wow, my weekend has certainly got off to an exciting and busy start! I'm reminded in the middle of it all just how blessed I am by the Lord, and how He works everything together for the good.

For starters, yours truly went on her first DATE on Friday night! Me, on a date! I wouldn't believe it myself, except that it's true! Well, me and this boy went to the movies to see The Blind Side. I was very hesitant at first, due to the strong theme of football in the movie, but it turned out to actually be okay. It was really sad at parts, but redeemed itself with a happy ending. After the movie, we went to a coffee place and had hot choclate (well, I did - he had coffee - yuck!). I had a splendid evening :)

Today, I went Christmas shopping for a few of my friends, and stopped by the library to pick up a few books. I'm really enjoying the variety of Christian non-fiction they have. I got out "Competely" by Shannon Ethridge, "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge, and "Twinkle" by Elisa Morgan. I can't wait to read them all and learn more about the Lord through these books.

My last bit of exciting news is that I got my road test booked for January the 8th! Here where I live, you get your preliminary license (G1) which means you an drive a car only if you have an adult in the passenger side. After 8 months of having this license, you apply for a road test which enables you to drive by yourself. Unfortunately, the test center has been on strike since August, which means no one has been able to get their G2 license, even though you can still book tests. I'm praying that they'll be off strike by January 8th!

That's all for now...hope everyone enjoys the rest of their weekend! Keep following Jesus :)

I lift up my eyes to you...

2009-12-02T18:31:00.000-08:00

Today I re-discovered just how much I love worshipping our amazing and mighty God. In a quiet and empty house, I turned on some worship music (Leeland!) and stood there singing out my heart to Him. What an amazing, powerful, humbling experience! To know that you are singing to the very same God that created the universe and brought Jesus back to life and opened His arms to us, His children. Amazing :)

I also re-discovered just how blessed I am by amazing friends that God has put into my life. Each and every one has a purpose - to cheer me up, encourage me, and even sing me songs. But their greater purpose, and the reason God has blessed me with them is for me to ultimately be drawn closer to HIM! They are tools that He uses for me to grow in my relationship with Him and teach me more about Him.

God has constantly been trying to teach me just how valuable and precious I am in His sight. I am guilty of forgetting that and brushing it off, falsely thinking that I have no worth and am really just a nobody. This negative thinking has leaked into my relationships with friends, causing me to compare myself to them and ultimately discourage me as a follower of Jesus. I guess God decided to step in and quickly correct my false thinking by placing a great friend in my life who has helped me to see God's truth. A simple message from her in my inbox worked miracles. Guess I actually do matter and I am making a difference - just in a different way than I thought.

We all need a wake up call once in a while to help us re-focus or eyes on the Lord and strengthen ourselves in Him.

When friends fail...

2009-11-30T18:00:00.000-08:00

I have one of those small Gideon Bibles that they give you when you're in elementary school...y'know, when they come to your class and hand you a new testament and you never even open it? Well, I decided to look through it, and I found a great section that gives you verses to go to if you're feeling a certain way. I've found this very beneficial in my devotional time...it's helped me when I've felt afraid (Mark 4:35-36), when I was lonely (Psalm 23), and recently when friends have failed (Psalm 41).

Now, I don't give my trust easily when it comes to anything, friends included. It takes me a while to warm up to somebody, and even longer for me to share stuff with them. But when I find a good friend, I find that I put a lot of trust in them - which can turn out to be a bad thing sometimes!

Psalm 41 speaks of how the Lord protects and preserves our lives and how God has mercy on us when our friends have betrayed us. My favorite verse is: "I know that you are pleased with me, for my enemy does not triumph over me." (vesre 11) God has defeated the enemy - the war is won, yet Satan still tries to win a few battles here and there to drag us down. Sometimes we forgot that God has ultimately won and victory is His!

When friends/family/anything other than God fails us, we know that there is One who is constant and loving and whose arms will always be open for us to run into. He will not fail us because He knows what is best - He is perfect and good! When it seems like no one can be trusted and you feel alone, the Lord is right beside you, ready to be your strength.

You Satisfy Me...

2009-11-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

When I walk with You,
it's like nothing else
in that single moment matters.
You and I are together,
and the day to day troubles
are far behind me.
You hold my hand,
and Your voice reassures me
that everything will be okay.
I believe Your truth,
and hold on to the promise
that You gave to us, through Your son.
How could I doubt You?
Never have You failed me,
never have You left my side.
Broken, I surrender all I am,
and give You my life.
For You satisfy...You satisfy me.

Decisions, Decisions!

2009-11-15T17:39:00.000-08:00

Being in Grade 12 means LOTS of decisions to make. Questions such as "What do I want to do with my life?", "What do I want to be?", and "Where am I going to go to University?" are questions that frequently enter my mind. And, for a 16-year-old, are questions that I don't feel like I'm ready to answer. After all, how much have I lived of life to know who I really am or what I want to do? Am I really certified to answer that at such a young age?

This weekend, I visited a Christian University not far from my home that I'm considering. Everything was great, except for one thing - how small it was! Only 500 undergrads attend the University. For a social butterfly like me, this would definately be an environment that I'd have trouble with.

On Thursday, my parents and I are planning on taking a tour of the biggest and most prestigious University here in Canada. Over 40, 000 undergraduate students are enrolled, and that number is doubled when taking into consideration the graduate students. The "University Experience" is complete here - thousands of students, beautiful sprawling campus, and not to mention the variety of classes and courses you can choose from! The only negative, though, is the fact that it is a secular university. And while Campus for Christ is present, I wouldn't be recieving an education in line with God's Word.

Herein lies my conundrum. Applications must be submitted by January. That's no problem at all. But a choice must be made sometime in April...and although that sounds far away, the deadline is coming closer and closer. How am I suppossed to make a choice? Does God want me in one specific place? And if He does, how am I going to figure out where it is? What if it's neither one or the other, but a completely different option altogether?

All I know is that I have to trust in Him. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6) Oh, Lord! That I may always trust in You and depend on You is my prayer. May You lead me to wherever You want me, for I know that You have a plan for my life, a life that sings Your story.

An update :)

2009-11-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

Hello :) I just wanted to write a little update on how I've been doing, and what God has been doing in my life. As you all know, life has been quite hectic, but I am trying my hardest to rise above the circumstances and look to God. Doing this is difficult, but SO rewarding in the end! It's great to know that your life rests in His hands, and that we don't have to do anything but give it over to Him.

It's the giving over part that creates problems for people. I know that for myself, being dependant on someone is the hardest thing for me to do. By nature, I'm a highly independant person, who doesn't trust people easily. I am skeptical of others, and am afraid of having to trust someone. Thankfully, the Lord has been slowly but steadily teaching me how to be dependant - first on Him, and also on Christian brothers and sisters.

Depending on the Lord is an area of my life that has been growing by leaps and bounds. When I look back to when I first became a Christian, I see a girl who was afraid of trusting even the God who had saved her. Now, I am learning to put my life in the hands of the One who created the universe, the One who can be trusted no matter what.

This is my prayer in the fire...

2009-10-21T14:56:00.000-07:00

LIFE for the past week and a half has been trying to say the least. There is much going on with parents, friends, boys, and school, and I would LOVE if you could pray for me :)

Despite the trials that I am going through, I am finding that I love God more and more each day because of it. It's like when I'm in the storm, I can feel Him there so much more than when I am being complacent in my faith and not bothering to pray or read the Bible. Trials draw you to God because they show you just how helpless you are without Him.

Yesterday at youth group, we learned that suffering is a mark of a Christian. If you aren't suffering, then chances are you aren't living your life the way Jesus did. Not only should we expect suffering, however, we must also delight in it and be joyful! Thank the Lord for what people say against you, because that shows that they see your faith and are being affected by it.

Have a great week!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-10-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving is a great holiday for many reasons - long weekend, no school on Monday, great food, and not to mention giving thanks to an awesome God for all He's done! Sometimes, it's hard to find things to be thankful for, espescially in the trials and in the chaos. Yet everyone, regardless of resources or wealth or stature, has something to be thankful for, and that is GOD.

We are so blessed to have a God that loves us and cares for us, who sent His only son to die for us so that we may live forever with Him. Every single person on this earth can be thankful for that, and they can give thanks on this wondrous day to the God of heaven and earth :)

Hope you have a great thanksgiving!

God is Good!

2009-10-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

What an exciting and amazing week I've had! God never ceases to amaze me with what He plans. Despite having had a tough month of September (with school, work, and drama), God has decided to show me just what it means to follow Him and trust in Him.

A month ago, I gave a book called "Every Young Man's Battle" to my best guy friend. I've known him since the beginning of high school, and he is like the older brother I've never had but always wanted. Recently, I've been evangelizing to him a lot and I think he's starting to think about it a lot more. He's decided to abandon his life of sin and go looking for God. My heart was so warmed by that! Yesterday, God granted me another surprise - my friend actually came to youth group! He is still seeking, but I feel that he is getting close to salvation through Jesus!

I find that whenever you least expect something, that's when something amazing happens. It's because we decide to put our trust in God instead of in other things. When you put your trust in the Lord, He grants many beautiful wonderful things that you never expected. Yet if you put your trust in earthly things, you will never be truly happy, and the gifts that God gives will leave you empty and wanting more. True joy and peace are only found in God's arms!

In the midst of the chaos

2009-09-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody :) Today, I just want to share a part of my journal with you guys. I've been having a really rough start of the year, and the only thing that has kept me going is the strength found in Jesus. Here's what I wrote after a particularly tough day:

Dear Jesus:

You are more than enough for me. You died on the cross for my sins, and by Your wounds I am healed. Despite the chaos and the storm raging around me, You are my rock, my strong Saviour. You ransomed me and gave me new life! Help me be strong. Amen!

Jesus is our strength when things go wrong. That is such good news! We don't have to be strong, because there is someone who is strong enough for us, and He will hold us in the tough times. If we only believe and trust in Him, He will carry us through the storm.

Here I am, once again :)

2009-09-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

Hello, everyone! I realize that my writing is becoming weekly, and I must say that I don't quite mind that. There aren't really that many things to write about during the week, and Mondays are the days where I have a lot of free time. :)

Last week was another exciting and adventurous week. Since they cancelled my writer's craft class, I come home at 1:00 each day - an hour and a half earlier than normal! This enables me to have time to do so many things that I would rush before, such as blogging, devotions, and reading my Bible.

Today, my friend and I talked about "fate" and "destiny." To her, these words are a solid explanation for why things happen, whereas for us Christians, they are words that merely attempt to explain what is really going on - God's hand at work in our lives.

I've been learning so much about God's will lately, and His plan for our lives. My biggest battle has been explaining how God really knows what is good for us. How can He know for sure that what He wants for me is the best? Why is His will supreme over all?

Well, the explanation is easy. He is GOD. I am merely a human, a reflection of His perfect wisdom and all-knowing mind. He is bigger than I could ever be!

A beautiful metaphor of this is to imagine yourself standing at the beginning of maze. This maze is aboslutely huge - you've never seen anything so big! There are numerous twists and turns, and you find yourself wondering how you will ever reach the end. Now imagine someone who has a 100-foot ladder positioned so they can see everything in the maze. They know where the dead-ends are, and which path will lead you in the right direction. This someone has a walkie-talkie, and he gives you the other one to complete the pair. He promises to give you the right directions, if you only obey and listen to his voice.

We are the people standing in the maze, not knowing where to go. God is the one above us, our guide and our leader, the one who sees everything from His position. He will lead us in the right direction, if we listen to His voice on the walkie-talkie. Don't change the channel, don't turn it off. There will be other voices that promise to help us, but in the end, God is the only one who can be trusted, because He is the only one who can see what's ahead.

So, are you going to listen?

God Never Fails

2009-09-14T14:25:00.001-07:00

We put our trust in so many things thoughout the day. We trust that our alarm goes off, that the car starts, and that there will be food on the table at dinner time. We trust in our friends, our family, and our church. Above all, we trust in God.

Out of that whole list, EVERYTHING will fail us at one point...except God. God goes beyond our expectations - He is perfect, He is good, and He is loving. He is for us not against us. Though sometimes it feels like God has let us down, when we look at the big picture, we see that everything that God allows or does in our life brings us closer to Him. In the end, His plan is always better than ours.

This first week of school has been beyond chaotic and confusing for me. Mentoring the grade 9's, wondering what to do about my job, not to mention deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life...well, it's been a lot of things thrown at me all at once. Today I was hit with the final blow. My Writer's Craft class (by far my favourite of them all) was being cancelled because there weren't enough students.

Well, I was just so shocked by this. What was I going to do? I want to be a journalist, and that class was supposed to help me with my dream of becoming one. There are no other classes in that timeslot that I wanted to take, so I decided on not taking any at all...a 'spare' period.

When I stepped back and looked at the big picture of my crummy week, I saw that I had no right to be upset. God never said that things won't fail us - He said that HE would never fail us. Everything else around me could fail, but He never would, and He never will.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." - 1 Chronicles 28:20

First day of school...

2009-09-08T14:27:00.000-07:00

First of all, I would like to start off by saying that Chicago was amazing! Lots of shopping, spending time with my mom and her family, and we even went to church on Sunday - the best part of the week! Unfortunately, it ended much too fast! Today was the first day back to school, and what a day it was!

I'm a mentor, which means that I lead a group of Grade 9s new to the school. I help them find their classes, talk to them, etc. My group this year is so funny! I've already earned a reputation of a Bible-beater amongst them, and only because I told them I wanted to be a missionary! They're a great bunch of kids, really comfortable with talking to me and sharing their thoughts.

One girl in my group is espescially loud and boisterous. She seems like such a nice girl, and is really kind and had a smile on her face the whole time. However, I notice some scars on her arms...and I will ask everyone who reads this to please pray for her! As I had the same experience in my past, I hope to be a light to her as her mentor :)

My classes are great, other than my last one, in which I have zero friends...I guess Writer's Craft is not a popular course! I also have Philosophy, Art, and Religion this semester.

Hope everyone out there is having a great week! Stay close to Jesus as you all follow Him!

Chicago!

2009-08-31T05:28:00.000-07:00

Well, after a ten hour drive from my house to Chicago, I finally arrived last night. I LOVE it here in the States - Christian radio is on every second station, there are FREE refills at McDonald's, and everything here is way cheaper than in Canada. Not that I don't like Canada, but I totally understand why U.S. Citizens are so in love with their country :)

On Sunday, Mom and I are planning to go to Harvest Rolling Meadows - a huge church here in Chicago. I'm really hoping that we'll be able to go, because it'll be another opportunity to bring my mom to church.

I realize I haven't written in a long time - last week was pretty crummy for me. I made plans with friends, but those got cancelled. I had to go to the doctor and to the dentist (on the same day!). But the worst part of the week was telling my non-Christian friend that I wouldn't be able to date him. I know it was the right thing to do (2 Corinthians 6:14) but that didn't make it any easier. On the plus side, I got to evangelize to him, which was by far the best experience EVER.

I'll try and sneak onto the computer here a few more times while in Chicago. Enjoy your day!

Putting God First

2009-08-23T15:30:00.000-07:00

I think most of us know in our minds that we are to put God first in our lives, but I've found that actually living it out is where I struggle. The unimportant day to day things catch my attention and time, and sooner than I'd expect, the day is already gone and I haven't spent anytime with God. How does one change that?

The easy thing to do is put God first - literally. As soon as you wake up, before breakfast or even getting dressed, spend time with Him. Read the Bible, do devotions, and spend lots ot time in prayer. Your whole day will be better because you've started out on the right foot - with God at the beginning, just as He should be.

Over the school year, I will definately try hard to put this into practice, even if it means getting up earlier than I want to. Time with God is vital to our Christian life - how does one know a friend if they don't spend time with them? The same thing can be said for spending time with our best friend, our God and Saviour.

Putting God first not only means being with Him daily, but placing Him above all other things in our life. Our purpose in everything should be to bring glory to God, whether we are eating, reading, or spending time with friends. I experienced this just a few days ago at the Lincoln Brewster concert (which was awesome) during the last song. Lincoln told us to close our eyes and lift our hands to worship God, and I was so into it that I didn't even notice him and the band leave the stage. I'm sure this was his intention, that God would be the purpose of the concert, not his performance or our entertainment.

We can trust that when God is first, we will be most satisfied because we are satisfied in Him!

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus."

- Colossians 3:17

Today is the day...

2009-08-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

...that I am going to the Lincoln Brewster concert! Yay! the Christian Radio Station in Ontario, Life 100.3, is having it's Tenth Anniversary Party tonight, which includes a Lincoln Brewster concert. I've been waiting for this event for quite some time now, but only today it is becoming real to me. I even got my grandma to put my hair in rollers :)

Things have been going great for me! I've visisted the treehouse a few more times since Monday, and I've even got some great photos for you guys. I'm sure you'll enjoy them just as much as I do.

The treehouse!

The bottom floor of the treehouse

Two paintings on the top floor...done by yours truly :)

A Bunch of Good Things All At Once

2009-08-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

Don't you just love it when a bunch of good things happen all at once? I do! It's such a great blessing from God when everything works out and all the stress and nervousness fades away.

Church yesterday was amazing! I love going there - the worship is awesome, and the preaching is great, too. My interview went a lot easier than I thought it would. I felt a little shaky when I was up there talking, but a lot of people came up to me after and said I was so composed and relaxed that it looked like I was reading off a script! I thank God for giving me the right words to say, and for calming me in His presence.

Another good thing was hanging out with my youth leader today. She's so awesome! I haven't seen much of her this summer because we've both been busy, but I just love hanging out with her. She's very smart and understanding, and gives great advice. Another thing to be thankful to God for.

Probably one of the best things that has happenned was getting my laptop fixed. The internet finally works, so I can blog peacefully from the quiet of my room instead of from the family computer in the basement. Expect to see lots more blog posts coming up!

"Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts."
- Psalm 105:2

Heading to Church Tomorrow!

2009-08-15T16:38:00.000-07:00

Not that I don't usually go to church every Sunday - I do. My mom makes me go with her to Catholic Mass, and does not permit me to go to the evangelical non-demoninational church where I attend youth groups. However, God is good, and tomorrow I will be going to the church where I've wanted to go now for over a year. I am beyond excited! And even better than that, my mom is going to be coming with me!

The reason for my attendance is that I'm going to be interviewed about the Cuba trip in front of the whole church. I'm quite nervous about this, as the church doesn't really know me, and I do get a little shaky speaking in front of large groups. Yet despite my fears, I am absolutely sure that God can work through me and calm my fears.

Pray for me and my mom tomorrow as we go to church! Thanks! :)

Thankful Thursday

2009-08-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

I just came across the Grace Alone blog and decided to join in this week's Thankful Thursday.

This week, I am thankful for:

-My job, even though it is quite stressful at times and I'm still fairly new at it, I'm happy that I even have a job, and that it is much better than my last one. I love working with the kids and seeing their happy, smiling faces, and knowing that I am helping them in some way.

- My family. Despite the fact that they are not Christians, they are still my family, and they love me alot and want the best for me.

- The forest. Such a simple yet beautiful part of God's creation that offers me a place to go and meet with Him. I love the green of the trees and the way the sunlight streams through the openings in the canopies overhead. I love the songs of the birds, and how peaceful and serene it is.

Thank You, God, for blessing me in all these ways and more!

Long time, no write!

2009-08-13T06:35:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realize it has been forever since I have written, but I am back and will try and write everyday from now on :)

I have been caught in a whirlwind of friends, family, bible study, painting the treehouse, and reading some great Christian non-fiction. It has been quite busy, but very fun and fulfilling.

One of my favorite activities in the summer is walking in the forest. During one of these walks a few months ago, I came across a completed treehouse right in the middle of the woods, just a few minutes off the path. This treehouse became my little sanctuary, a place to sit and enjoy God's presence, do devotions, and sing worship songs. Unfortunately, a group of teenagers vandalized the treehouse around June, which greatly discouraged me from going there again.

Fortunately, God is good and He provides a way! I decided to get together with a few of my friends and paint the treehouse, covering up the obscure images and words. The treehouse is now covered in Bible verses, flowers, butterflies, and other various decorations.

I couldn't be happier about "my treehouse." I try and visit it daily, making sure to thank God for His goodness. The treehouse is just an example of how God can turn any bad situation to good if we only listen and follow Him.

Decisions, decisions...

2009-08-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

After returning from my missions trip to Cuba, I've had a lot of time to think about what I want to do in life. Before I became a Christian last year, it had been my dream to work at a high fashion institute (ie. Vogue) as a journalist. After accepting Christ, I was determined to continue with pursuing journalism as a career, and I was dead set on going to a University which offered the best journalism program in the province.

This week, however, I felt God's nudge to look up a Christian college that I had heard of. As I looked at their program for people who were interested in missions, I knew that this was part of God's plan for me. Yes, it was more expensive than the non-Christian university, but only by a 1000 dollars. Yes, my parents would disapprove of my choice, but I couldn't let that hinder my decision.

The decision to go to either one or the other was based on where I would glorify God more. Would God be more glorified if I went to a secular college and pursued a career that would only benefit myself, or would He be more glorified if I went to a Christian college where I would learn about Him and eventually go out into the mission field to advance His kingdom? The answer was clear, and although my mom objected and the family finances are not in a good place, I trust that God will bring about whatever He has planned for me.

Hope

2009-07-26T13:17:00.000-07:00

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge." - Psalm 62:5-7

Perhaps the biggest lesson I learned in Cuba was about hope. Before the trip, I had a vague idea of what hope was, but I had never seen it lived out in the way the Cubans did. Previously, I thought hope was a sort of wishful thinking, a nonchalant prayer to God asking for something. But in Cuba, I learned that my viewpoint of hope was completely wrong.

Hope is so much more than a wish or a want - it's putting your complete faith in God, the source of your hope. Psalm 62 outlines why our hope comes from God. It is because He ALONE is our rock and salvation, our fortress and our refuge. Apart from Him, nothing else matters. He is the beginning and the end, which is why our hope must come from Him and be placed in Him.

If we place our hope in other things, such as relationships, money, and worldly things, we will be disappointed. Yet God never disappoints, for He is sovereign and good.

I saw these principles at work in the people of Cuba. Despite the not so great accomadations and the persecution of the church, they hoped in God, and trusted that He would pull them through the tough times. Their passion and their love for God shone through in their prayers, their worship, and in their lives. To them, hope was more than wishful thinking - it was putting their complete trust in the Lord and waiting on him.

What a great lesson to learn!

Taymy and I - our interpretor who taught me a lot about hope!

The kids learning a new English song during youth group

Cuba Video!!

2009-07-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQdiZNcNcxE#watch-main-area

And here's the video:

Cuba, an in depth post

2009-07-21T14:51:00.000-07:00

I first must apologize for not writing yesterday, but there is a good excuse. My laptop, which I've had for about 3 years now, has been infected with a virus, which means I had to reboot it. It is working now, but it is still very tempermental.

I miss Cuba like crazy - I can't stop thinking about it for a second! Despite the overwhelming heat and not so awesome conditions, I would give anything to go back there.

Most of our missions work in Cuba involved encouraging the church that was already down there. Because our two leaders were unable to get Religious Visas, we were limited in what we could do. Yet God still managed to use us and stretch us in amazing ways! We shared testimonies, led worship, conversed with the people of the church, and helped run a VBS.

We became very close with the Diaz family who shared their home as a church, a daycamp centre, a dining room, and a fun hangout spot. The husband and wife were both pastors of their house church, and were so kind and generous to us during our stay. Our bus driver, Negro, was also a person whom we became very close with. Although he was not as bold or outspoken in his faith as some of the other Cubans, his love for Jesus clearly shined in his life. His 7-year-old daughter, Daniella, became one of my good chums despite the language barrier we faced. I will never forget her smiling face as she said goodbye to me at the airport!

Overall, the experience was definately unforgettable. I learned so much about God and about myself. The Cubans showed me what true hope meant, and that happiness could only be found in God alone. I will cherish their lessons and their encouragement as long as I live!

I promise to devote a whole blog post t0 pictures and videos once my laptop is completely virus free. Thanks for reading, I hope you're having an awesome summer!

Back from Cuba!

2009-07-19T18:09:00.000-07:00

Although I don't have time for a super long blogpost, I do have time to say that I've arrived back safely, and that I had a great time in Cuba!

Get ready for more information, details, and pictures tomorrow!

Tomorrow!

2009-07-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting for tomorrow to arrive for at least 100 days. The countdown to this trip has been on my calender since April. And the reality of me going to Cuba has begun to set in.

We have recieved our "tentative" schedule yesterday of what we'll be doing while we are in Cuba. While the Spanish is hard to understand, I can discern that we will be doing work projects, evengelizing, and playing with the kids, as well as sharing testimonies and doing bible lessons. How amazing is that! I feel so blessed to be going on this trip, and to have God use me in whatever way He is going to.

As Paul said, "Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel...pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." (Ephesians 6:19-20)

I will have a SUPER long blog post when I get back, filled with pictures and perhaps some videos!

Four days!

2009-07-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

Only four days until I leave for Cuba!

This past week has been filled with preperations, last minute get togethers, and some rest and relaxation before the big day. We finally found out our flight time this week. We leave at 8:30, which means we will have to meet at 4 AM (!!!) to get to the airport. I'm not extremely happy about having to wake up in the middle of the night, but I think it's actually a blessing in disguise! An early flight time means that we will arrive in Cuba earlier, which means more time spent on Cuban soil!

I'm so excited to see how God is going to use our team while we're in Cuba. From our first meeting a few months ago, our team has come such a long way with being comfortable with each other and growing closer together. We've spent lots of time in prayer and companionship, and have seen God work in our lives concerning this mission trip.

Personally, I've learnt so much about God while preparing for this trip. I had so many doubts from the beginning, even wondering if I would be able to go. My parents, who are not Christ Followers, strongly opposed the trip, but with God's help, they have given in and allowed me to go! There are still a few fights over what I'll be doing there (Are you going to be praying every day?!), and some rude comments (You should focus on yourself instead of helping people!) but I've been able to survive them and focus on the real goal: sharing Jesus with the Cubans and glorifying God in all that I do! I know that God will always pull through if I only trust in His sovereignty and His perfect plan for my life.

I will update a few more times before Tuesday, and then this blog will have to go on a mini-hiatus as I spend 11 days in Cuba. I promise lots of pictures and stories when I get back!

Strawberry Picking

2009-06-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

Today, my friend Ellen and I got to go strawberry picking for the first time this year. Although the berries weren't very ripe, and were also quite small, we ended up having lots of fun and even got to have our faces painted. We had a great time!

Our yummy strawberries!

30 Degrees

2009-06-24T15:58:00.000-07:00

It's 30 degrees Celsius. Now, I wouldn't mind this as much if it was this warm outside - after all, who doesn't love a nice summer day? Unfortunately, this extremely high 30 degrees is the current temperature inside my house. I'm attempting to cool down in the basement, which although a little cooler, is still a warm 25.

After complaining about this to my friend, he said something that made me think about my situation a little differently. His exact words were, "It's preparing you for Cuba." Hm. Perhaps he's right. Perhaps this is just God's way of getting me ready for the even hotter temperatures in Cuba.

Often times, this happens in many of life's situations. We complain about things, like an annoying friend, or a broken air conditioner. We don't realize, however, that these can be situations where God wants to teach us something about life and make us into a person more like His son. The annoying friend could be the one who teaches us patience, a fruit of the Spirit, and the broken AC could prepare us for future tough conditions.

Next time you find yourself complaining about something, think about how God sees it. Ask yourself if He has put you in this situation for a reason, and if He has, then put a smile on, and bear the circumstances. You never know what God wants you to learn!